I took a sip of my coffee.
The crisp thin air bathed my face refreshingly, like diving into a mountain valley spring.
There’s just something about alpine air. When you breathe it in. Like being stuck in a Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum commercial on repeat.
I smiled.
It felt good to be back in nature.
It had been a while there. A good two-month hiatus while dealing with the new house, before I was able to venture back into the wild. Well, relatively speaking. I wasn’t pulling some Jack London shit or anything.
I looked out over the balcony.
Armies of Ponderosa Pines and California Black Oaks greeted me with a calm serenity – shifting layers of green legion among the deployment of elevated leaves.
Dancing. Twirling. Waving to me with the balance and grace that only the great outdoors can instill.
I was at peace.
The wind rustled and swayed through the emerald canopy like melodic brush strokes. It was painting a picture for me… a picture of belonging on a deeper level. I felt like it was whispering to me. Speaking in that eerie but delightful voice of invisible cadence it has, while it swept past. Each fleeting breeze like water under the bridge.
And when the wind pushed hard enough, when it decided to cross that imaginary line and become something else entirely, it reminded me of the swells of the ocean. The cacophony ringing in my ears and mimicking cresting waves crashing on sand – bright beating sunshine and the taste of salt.
I’m brought back to somewhere else…
Back to a time where my youth played out like guitar strings strumming to a hit song. Simpler times before this chain of breaths became so complicated… so serious and final.
But the moment was transient.
I sighed.
And then it was gone.
My mind shifted again. But not to the pleasant thoughts above. It was back to thinking about work…
Money. Life. Stress.
What would tomorrow bring, a week, a month, a year? Should I be changing jobs? Staying? Or pivoting entirely? The cycle constantly continues, playing out over and over again – the questioning, longing and searching.
Answers are always hard to come by. Because they repeatedly change. What might be proper one day is the antithesis of the next.
The balance perpetually shifting… tinkering on the edge of uncertain expectations. What is real? What is not? Who are you? A leader? A follower? Have you been true to yourself? Your values?
Are you guessing? Just making things up as you go along? Aren’t adults supposed to know everything?
So why don’t you?
This persistently happens to me when I journey into the mountains. The craggy peaks talk to me in hidden riddles and mess with my mind.
Are you on the right path they always seem to question? Are you using your time wisely? Wouldn’t you rather just explore and disappear?
Maybe.
What responsibilities do you have? Do you really owe anyone anything? Are you whole? Or just random parts still looking for glue to put you back together?
Everyone thinks I have it all put together on the outside. But I don’t. No one does. Don’t ever believe it when they tell you that.
Hahaha.
I know. You’re like what the fuck was that all about?
Well…
That’s life. That’s this journey.
Twists and turns navigating through a wonderland of unrealized possibilities and potential. Never sure, never certain. Making educated guesses along the way and trying to make the best out of imperfect and muddled outcomes.
The brush stokes resume.
The wind is back.
The painting taking more form yet still unknown.
My knotted thoughts renew. The questions never end, and the answers remain just as jumbled as mixed-up puzzle pieces – a messy smorgasbord of tangled threads unraveling.
This is what it’s like to be. Trying to be present. Grasping at each moment as if it is your last. It’s not easy rewiring yourself this way.
Everything in my body and mind fight it.
Repel. Deny. Repudiate.
I feel the wind like fingers tapping on my skin. Trying to show me something… leading me somewhere.
But I’m lost.
I reach out my hand desperately trying to catch the breeze, as if I can make the ephemeral concrete. Hold on to something that was never there. A splatter of paint on the imaginary easel, dripping with the typical human limitations of the form – wishes, hopes and yearnings of the mind.
I close my eyes and listen… listen to the whispers in the wind.
Then as if on cue, like the main act taking the stage, a sudden ray of sunlight shot through the parting viridescent needles with a strident bolt of realization.
Nothing is bad as it seems.
The answer was comforting. Acknowledging. Endearing.
There is always a way, if we are willing to push on.
I took another sip of my coffee and came to the same conclusion I regularly did – things would work out.
You press on. Stop worrying so much about forces outside of your control. Deal with the immediate. The concrete problems. Whatever is within your reach.
We do the best with what we have.
Time to get up. Time to start my day.
I glanced back out over the towers of green sentinels and remembered: each day is a new beginning.
I smiled one last time and looked down.
My coffee had gone cold.
Neglect. Mind wander. Thoughts traveling too far into the future.
Yet, this was a task right in front of me. Something within my grasp.
Yes, I grinned.
Start small. One step at a time. Deal with the immediate.
This was a problem I could fix.
-Q-FI
—
Just drifting today folks. I’m up in Big Bear this weekend enjoying the fresh mountain air – actually had a light dusting of snow last night. Bizarre for May. And this is what my mind spit out… or spit up. Hahahaha. So how about you tell me about your relationship with nature and have you ever heard whispers in the wind?
I get it. I’ve done the same things sometimes and just go for a ride on my bike in the woods to think and try to sort things out. Doesnt mean there is anything wrong. I just do it to try to regroup my thoughts on what im doing and want to get done. One way I like to look at things is to try to maximize the hand you’ve been dealt at that particular time and then try to build on it. For example, if work is slow or you have been laid off, then use some of that extra time to catch up on personal things you need to get done but have been putting off due to a full time job. Working on your house, car, yard, make appointments, work out etc.
Yeah, nothing like taking a little journey in nature to help sift through our thoughts.
And that’s a good way to go about it Arrgo, that I try to do as well. Maximize what you have while you have it. Plus, sometimes it also helps to keep busy if you’re going through a transition in life.
Thanks for commenting and sharing your insight.
Glad you made it back up the mountain. Sounds like it’s a nice time and likely a nice reprieve from the intensity of new homeownership.
I was out to dinner with someone the other night and at one point stated relative to my life, “I have no fucking clue what I am doing. No idea at all.” Which, like your wind whisper above, none of us really do, even if we sometimes like to believe so. But that’s the beauty and frustration of life. Making it up as you go, using experience to inform your decisions, holding on, letting go, worry and trusting it will all be okay. Because it generally is, even when you think it isn’t. Enjoy Big Bear!
Thanks MF. It’s been a good weekend and just wrapping it up and getting ready for the drive home. Working from home allowed me to come up Wed night and knock out Thurs and Fri remotely, so it’s been a nice elongated stay.
I know at least it made the wife and dogs happy… hahaha.
I get so sidetracked with everything to do down the mountain, that it has been relaxing to get back up here.
And your quote sums it up, “I have no fucking clue what I am doing. No idea at all.” Well said, which is what makes life so fun and yet challenging at the same time.
It’s exactly the reason I love to hike. There’s just something about the the rhythmic pacing combined with being outside……there’s just enough input for my brain to calm down to a pace where it can think without being overwhelmed. I can instead gently examine different ideas, unafraid to poke at them and where they might lead. And then I’ll suddenly get hungry and come back to earth with a pragmatic bump 🤣
Back when I was working still and on our way to FiRE, it was pretty much my mental health lifesaver. My way of calming down the whole ‘am I doing this right’ question of our lives we all struggle with. Now, it’s ‘just’ my favourite way to spend time and it’s surprised me how much I’ve missed it though since getting stuck in the UK winter here. Looking forwards to getting back out there and your post has just fed that flame….cheers!
Hey Michelle – yeah, I’m pretty much the same as you. It’s rare that nature can’t reset me and help me alleviate a much needed break from stress. Plus, there’s something both relaxing and comforting in the simplicity of hiking. One foot in front of the other.
I hope you get back out there soon. The trails are calling!
Thanks for swinging by!
Big Bear with its alpines sounds absolutely incredible! You’re making me miss Tahoe and my west coast family. It’s been forever since I’ve seen it all. It’s funny how nature gets us relaxed and thinking, but you came full circle in your thoughts. You may appear like you have it all figured out, but you don’t. None of us do. None of us ever will. But there’s only so much we can control and that’s what we have to stick with. I remind myself of that all the time! I have a colleague who I always think has it so easy and it’s set and ready to go. Then we had a conversation recently that showed me she doesn’t always have it so easy. Parts? Yes. We all have easy parts. But we all have challenging parts too. Enjoy the not-so-challenging part of being in Big Bear and admiring all those glorious alpines for me! Hope the doggies are there too! 😉
Thanks for stopping by Miss Camel. It was a nice trip, but felt too short even though I stretched it out over 4 days. It seems like it always plays out that way. Once you get into a solid rhythm or start enjoying yourself, the time just flies by. And then the work grind just slogs on and on… haha.
I love Tahoe too. Haven’t been in a while but would love to plan a trip. Big Bear is where So Cal peeps go to make do – not as nice – it’s a tiny lake. But it’s the closest unless you want to drive up to Mammoth or Tahoe.
I like your breakdown of parts – some are easier than others. True dat.
Max had a blast because we had a friend come up with their dog. But Pebbles is a little territorial, so she was more yappy than usual – our problem child for the weekend. =)
Ah yes, I live in God’s waiting room (Florida) and try to get up to North Carolina and TN a few times a year. There’s something about it… the mountains, the waterfalls, the hiking then like everywhere else people, lots and lots of people show up!!! Always identify with your musings. Was reading a little bit of Nietzsche’s Amor Fati (love of fate). Nietzsche thought that if we could accept things out of our control and not agonize over them, life would be better. It wasn’t just an acceptance of things out of our control that he spoke of however, but an accepting of everything…
Hahaha… I like that “God’s waiting room.” I hadn’t heard that one before.
Love Nietzsche. I went through my search for the meaning of life when I was first clean and sober in 2016-2017. I was reading Joseph Campbell and he had a line that when something like this which I’ll butcher – “Mann speaks of Spengler. Can’t read Spengler without Nietzsche. Then can’t read Nietzsche without Schopenhaur. But you can’t read Schopenhaur until you’re read Kant. You can start there, but it’s tough going. Then Goethe.”
So that’s what I did. I started with Goethe and worked my way back through them to Jung. I have an addiction post in the queue to write about all this, but it takes a certain frame of mind for me to write those, so they tend to be spaced out.
Once you’ve been through something like addiction for us, you have to find a deeper meaning.
Thanks for sharing that Glincoln – I always enjoy gleaning from your insight.
Nice writing my dude.
Something about altitude and evergreens refreshes my soul as well. I love heading to the Sierra when time allows. The old redwoods are that way for me too, those trees are so ancient and you can really get a sense of how trivial our problems are compared to time and the workings of he world. I read a lot of eastern philosophy, Buddhist works to be more specific, and I try to live my life with non attachment and trying to see the 2 truths of everything we interact with. But it’s tough. This piece reminded me of that battle.
I could see myself ending up in the mountains or forest one day. It’s a shame that we have “Fire Season” to contend with these days in California. That’d be my biggest concern with ever moving to the Sierra.
Thanks Noel.
Yeah, old Redwoods and the Sierras are top of my list for the best of nature.
When I was a teenager to young man I’d do a ton of backpacking in Yosemite every year. That was before the crowds have gotten so nuts there. But if you can target the high country like Tuolomne, you can still get away. Yosemite will always be a magical place for me.
I’ve also dived quite deeply into Buddhism at times. Great mindset and philosophy, but as you mention, it’s simple, yet so hard to practice consciously. Unfortunately our minds are full of tricky little illusions/delusions… hahaha.
I’m also with ya on living in the mountains someday but yes, those forest fires are crazy. CA is becoming a burn zone. Hopefully at some point this changes, but it doesn’t look like global warning will be kind to CA forestry any time soon.
I really like the way this was written. Take those moments of zen and appreciation when you can get them. Bottle that up for when you need it later.
I’m glad the writing resonated with you IF. I try to reflect on those moments when they come, but as you probably know, harder to tap into them while in moments of unbalance…. hahaha. But I have an entire lifetime to try and improve, right? Who said time wasn’t an infinite commodity?
Thanks for swinging by bud and dropping me a line.
we just rolled back into home from a week at the ocean. it reminded me of your writing about the forest. a friend came up for the week to join us and the days were mostly the same. chill on the front porch for the morning. hit some sun and surf in early afternoon with the big decisions for the week being what to chef up for dinner each night.
i can remember what you describe but have to say i have found so much more peace in the last 10 years from mid 40’s to mid 50’s. if there is one thing i have learned about writing the blog, though, it is getting lost in your own head. i read a lot about what others are trying to achieve/have achieved, following passions, blah blah, blah. i have to remind myself that none of this affects my own life or situation. i sincerely wish all the writers all the success but it is their life and mine is mine. simplicity has grown mightily in importance like chatting with mrs. smidlap and my old buddy on the porch. i didn’t need to be “doing” anything in particular.
That sounds like a nice week Freddy. I haven’t been to the ocean as much as I should. Hopefully I’ll stow this away as mental motivation to get back out there sooner.
You know, simplicity is a major theme in my life and only gets bigger. I used to be a doer. I remember in 2007 taking a 10 day trip to Kauai with the future wife and I had 15 things planned out every day. I wanted to see and do it all. It was one of those you need a vacation from the vacation. I’m not sure when I changed, but at some point in my 30’s (I think after grad school killed me while working) I slowed down. And now vacations are sit and chill with a few hikes or other adventures planned. But just as much downtime to balance out any activity. Finding that balance has just made me so much happier in the long term.
It’s even bled over into work. I’m working towards getting out of the corporate life, but I don’t need a corner office, I have not desire for that crazy promotion to lead a division and work even more hours. I’m in a good spot and if the right opportunity comes up I’ll take it.