Turn The Page

Well… I was hoping to start the New Year on a more positive note, but unfortunately, I’m going to cruise into it riding a more somber, sullen mood.

Only the fallen can rise, right? 

Hahaha… no, no, no.  This isn’t that kind of dark and morose post.  It’s more a reminder of my petty, selfish, vane and (insert any other negative human trait) mortal tendencies.  I’m trying to poke fun at my own feeble insecurities and trivial concerns.  Because I was expecting to be spending my first full weeklong vacation of the year indulging in a Winter Wonderland rather than sitting on my couch, sulking on a rare rainy day in Southern California (I’m writing this on Monday). 

Hahaha… and with the way this year has gone, why should I have thought any differently?  Yes, this one’s on me, indeed. 

Yet here I am.  You’ve found me.  So, come sit down next to me and I’ll talk your ear off for the next five minutes, weaving a tale that woe is me. 

And yes, there are much worse places to be right now, like fighting for my life in the ICU of a COVID plagued hospital.  You don’t have to twist my arm there. 

But we humans are simple-minded creatures, and what unfolds before our very eyes, in the smallest sliver of reality, might as well be the entire galaxy for all that we’re concerned. 

So, this unplanned Wednesday post is what it is… a weight to unload before I sail into the New Year on a golden sea of sunshine and smiles.  

— 

Sometimes you just have to turn the page. 

Chalk a loss up as a loss.  Let go.  Move on. 

I wasn’t expecting to write this bonus Wednesday post, but I need to vent today. 

I’m frustrated.  Disappointed.  Semi-pissed in a depressive, undignified, melancholy sort of way. 

And I need to write it out to help me process these emotions.  Because this is what we do when we’re upset, we throw a little pity party and then suck it up.  So hopefully by the time I’m done writing this I’ll feel better and be only mildly embarrassed I sulked publicly for such a pathetic reason. 

Hahaha… I’m already starting to feel the positive effect of this cathartic tirade! 

So, what’s up with me? 

Well… the Q-FI family definitely had some wins during 2020, but recently things haven’t quite been panning out.  The house search has been challenging, fostering was delayed due to COVID, and there just hasn’t been all that much good news surfing down our pipeline. 

You know that feeling when you start to think that the universe is starting to conspire against you?  You’ve had an unlucky run of bad losses strung together worse than dirty laundry on a clothesline and start to question when are things going to shape up and turn around?  Hope must be just around the corner you surmise.  Hang in there, my times coming, I’m humming under my breath.  You glance up to the sky haphazardly as a non-believer and start to question maybe there is a guy up there, with lightning bolt hair, long paper-white beard, puffy cloud throne, pulling the strings against you like you’re some microscopic insignificant life form to be toyed with. 

Yeah, you know the feeling. 

So as this year’s final days are melting together into a COVID cauldron, there’s only one thing on my mind – doing our annual Big Bear Lake mountain trip to the snow to celebrate New Year’s. 

I got this one in the bag! 

Even though more things have gone wrong than right this year, at least I’ll be able to keep that tradition alive (14 years running).  We checked with my wife’s parents (it’s their cabin) last month, and we were good to go, slotted right in for our normal week after Christmas and nothing was going to rain on our parade. 

I wrote in a previous post, Decompressing from the Man, how I needed to take more vacation and practice a better work/life balance.  So, I took the whole week off from Christmas to New Year’s in order to start doing this.  The irony being, this last week of vacation during the current year would also be my first weeklong vacation for the entire year.  Hahaha. 

Better late than never, right? 

Then throw on top of it, that our landlord decided to power-wash, sand and paint our rental house for the two weeks from Christmas to New Years without any notice, and the timing is looking even more prophetic – try doing conference calls with two maniacal yappy dogs trying to kill the workers in the background!  Hahaha.  Trust me, it ain’t pretty. 

So, this shit could not have turned out any better. 

Plus, COVID cases are increasing in LA faster than a speeding bullet, so I circled that week on my calendar as if it were the guiding light to salvation itself – a lifeline into the promised land of PTO nirvana.  All might not be right with the world, but my luck was finally turning.  The wife, our two little dogs, and I were going to get our day and have a relaxing week all to ourselves to decompress and do whatever we want. 

I checked the weather, hoping for a snowstorm (which I recently commented on a Katie Camel post how much I love snow and get all giddy like a kid in a candy store).  So, I was even more stoked than usual, because we got jipped most of last year, and low and behold, a storm was coming.  Mr. Weather was going to comply with my voodoo dances and drop a pristine powdery 12 inches just for me in the middle of my mountain lake stay.  I couldn’t believe my luck.  Fuck 2020 because I’m going to be riding that golden albatross of awesomeness into 2021! 

The universe was finally coming back to life… those stubborn stars aligning as if I were walking down a red carpet stitched together from fairy dust and recycled sunshine. 

And then… wait for it… the bottom falls out of the bag and we have to cancel our trip. 

Wait… what the fuck Q-FI you’re asking? 

I know.  I know.  I was devastated.  As well as my wife, because she needed, hoped and deserved this even more than me.  The dogs – not so much.  Ha!  (The picture at the top is from last year so you can feel the sting of my disappoint like a frosty cold slap across my face.) 

I’ll just leave it at some people made some unfortunate decisions and forgot to put their adulting shoes on.  So, 2020’s best friend Mr. COVID forced us to cancel at the last minute.  The cabin that we had set our hopes on, became unavailable due to human error. 

Don’t worry, we’re both safe and fine.  I’m being inconsiderate as I write this, because other people are experiencing a scary situation with the virus and I hope nothing bad happens.  ICU’s are packed and crushing Q-FI’s feelings is the last of the world’s concerns (and rightly should be!).  People are dying while I’m writing a privileged and pompous post. 

I understand that. 

But I’ll be honest, I’m no saint.  I’m human, and I was fucking pissed. 

Yet, the real truth was people were sick and suffering while I was being selfish and petty.  You need to get over your own little world and remember the bigger picture.  Remember you’re a better person than what you’re feeling.  But it isn’t easy.  When people make stupid decisions and put others at risk, it’s hard to find the compassion right away.  That saying, it only takes one person to ruin it for everyone, couldn’t be truer. 

Yet, you gotta let it go.  It’s not about me anymore.  It’s about people who are facing a frightening, uncertain situation and lending that helping hand where I can. 

Because that’s the person you are.  The emotions don’t matter.  It’s natural to throw that pity party inside your head first. 

But what matters are your actions.  What really matters, is what you do. 

So, before I wrap up, if you don’t believe in masks, please wear one for the rest of mankind.  If you’ve been exposed to COVID, or have someone sick in your household, then quarantine.  Don’t travel and expose others.  We’re already nine months in, but it’s still shocking how many people act like they are superheroes and can’t get it. 

Plus, if you stop and think about it, there’s a good reason why America is leading the outbreak.  Our consumer society of immediate gratification parallels the virus to a “T”.  I’m going to do what I want, take the risks that I want, and deal with the consequences later, is the exact mindset that will perpetuate this virus. 

Take a step back and think before you act.  Weigh the consequences not just for you, but for all those you love. 

Alright, that’s it.  That’s all I got for today.  I’m stepping off my soap box so you can get up from the couch and get on your merry way. 

I hope your New Year turns out to be a little more epic than mine… but only a little!  Hahaha.  Between barking dogs and painters, I’ll have my hands full. 

And I’ll admit, I do feel better now.  Even though this post doesn’t paint me in the most positive light, I think it was the right thing to do.  The weight is lifting.  We’re allowed to act like kids for a minute, throw our selfish temper tantrum, and then pick ourselves back up. 

Happy New Year all from the Q-FI staycation in LA! 

-Q-FI 

— 

Ever have your plans squashed when you had everything riding on them?  I know… a rookie mistake.  Why do we set those expectations so high?  But I bet you have something under your belt you can share with me to relate.  Stay safe mi amigos and here’s looking to 2021!