I drove into the office today. That’s my 3rd trip in the past 7 months. I had to print some documents and scan a few items. I tried to put it off as long as possible, but things just couldn’t wait any longer.
Usually my commute would take me two hours round trip during normal traffic times, but I went in late morning and was out by noon, so it only took me one hour. Yet even with this decreased commute, I still had plenty of time to zone out as I made that familiar, yet unfamiliar drive.
It isn’t often that I have downtime like this anymore. Since I work from home, there’s always something to do. Rarely do I just sit and zone out. You’d think with the extra time gained from not commuting I’d be more relaxed, but it hasn’t seemed to pan out that way. Maybe at first it did, but America likes to chug along no matter how dire the straights. 5pm meetings now slowly slip into 6:30pm start times… as nonchalantly as a wave from someone passing by on the street. Everyone’s at home now, right? We’ll just sneak it in this one time… yet we all know how that game plays out in the end.
As the thrum of the engine and cool kiss of the tires to pavement lulled me back into a contemplative state, my mind drifted to my office I had just visited… how weird it feels on the rare occasion that I go back. Wearing a mask and signing in to witness a ghost town that had once been a bustling center of productivity felt stranger than strange. I walked down dark halls, deserted offices and empty cubicles as if an observer to the remnants of a long-lost civilization.
I had one human interaction when I was leaving, but that was it. It was a new girl, because I didn’t recognize her. I guess that was a good sign. A new face during the pandemic meant that at least someone got a job and didn’t have to battle the stinging emotions of unemployment.
Crazy, I thought to myself. What will this world be like six months from now… well, fuck that. How about even three? I honestly don’t know, and your guess is as good as mine.
I continued to zig-zag in out of the normal LA traffic on my way home, my mind reaching its pinnacle of introspection, and for the first time, in a long time, I took a step back.
When you finally take a moment just to breathe… inhale… exhale… and soak in all that has happened this year, it’s hard not to marvel at the complexity with which we call daily living. We adapt so quickly to new routines and ever changing social and economic dynamics, that the unbelievable now seems mundane.
What could possibly surprise us now we question? Standing there resolute, arms linked and a gleam in our jaded eyes that only true survivors can ever know. We taunt fate, chide the impossible and grin at the future, because we know we have persevered. Yet, nothing has concluded. The end to this social dilemma might prove to be only the beginning.
What’s next doesn’t matter anymore, because we’ve solved the insoluble. Or have we?
So, when I step back and allow my mind to wander – give it permission to scurry into the overlooked cracks and crevasses imbedded in my subconscious and investigate the distant unknown corners of my psyche. I can’t help but be awed at what we have endured, and more specifically, all that is yet to come.
We keep our heads down, noses to the grindstone while we use staying busy as our excuse. Just keep working hard and everything will be fine we surmise, because that’s really all we know how to do.
But what will people say when they look back at this moment in history? A pandemic, a nation divided, and an election in which the stakes might never be higher. I don’t care which way you want this country to go, all I care about is that you acknowledge the tilting ground upon which we stand. We are at a precipice, living history that might never be repeated for another hundred years, and in less than a month a new path will be forged. It doesn’t matter which way you lean politically; I think regardless of party ties we can all agree that there will be one hell of a mess to still wade through.
But wow, what adventures indeed… still to come.
I take another step back and mull over all the challenges yet to breathe a single day – the endless possibilities careening around my skull like marbles in a preschooler’s hand. And I can’t help but end this search where it always begins, settling upon myself… that wet ball of clay… the distance between each note played… a settling pond for all the questions left unsaid.
How can I improve? How can I become a better version of myself in a world in which in the blink of an eye the cure can become the cancer?
I try to practice daily living. I try to be present. But I still struggle so much with it. I have a mind that never turns off so I’m constantly looking forward instead of indulging in the now. It’s a balance that I often fail to negotiate. Yet I understand that to breathe is to change, so as long as I maintain the space and freedom to evolve… to alter my path… I have a chance.
Seven months into the pandemic and I’m still trying to implement more healthy routines. But that’s okay. Because I’m still learning. I’m fortunate to realize that no matter what happens, I will forever be a student of life. There will always be a new experience awaiting me with each stumble into tomorrow.
However, sometimes if you aren’t careful, the present can crush you under the weight of expectations or what version of the world you think it should be. That’s normal. We like to play dictator in our own minds to things that are only human issues – politics, race, inequality. But these are only human inventions. They don’t matter to the outside world one bit. Get rid of sapiens and our planet won’t even blink. Unfortunately, it would probably prove to be good riddance.
So, when we think of legacies, we’re really only fooling ourselves. They don’t exist. They aren’t real things. They’re simply inventions that sit in one species mind. But we don’t like to acknowledge this, because we’d rather play as Gods instead of admitting our frail limitations in the pantheon of our own imaginations.
But there I go again, drifting down a rabbit hole not many like to follow. Yet it’s good to take a step back now and then and remind ourselves of the big picture. It’s good to acknowledge the unknown. Play with the distant prospects of thoughtful hatchlings with that forgotten childlike curiosity, wonder and awe.
Don’t stay locked in the shadows of your own mind my friend. Take a step back, open the curtains and indulge as if no one is watching… one foot in front of the other.
-Q-FI
P.S. Have you taken a step back lately to smell the roses?
“Yet I understand that to breathe is to change, so as long as I maintain the space and freedom to evolve… to alter my path… I have a chance.”
Your sentence reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, “Where there’s life, there’s hope.” Same idea, right? Especially if you’re a student of life like we both are. I guess it also suggests there’s hope for man and nature, since this world is currently not how any of us imagine or wish it to be. Maybe the unknown of the future is what gives us hope and keeps driving us forward, or makes us stupidly agree to those “one off” 6:30pm meetings. I don’t know or have any answers, but you certainly raise some interesting questions, ones well worth pondering, particularly your thoughts regarding legacies. I’d like to think they have some significance, even within just one’s immediate family. You’ve got me thinking about this idea now! It’s bothering me, but in a good way. 😉
Hahaha… careful with that thinking Katie… you never know where it leads. And I’m like you, I have no answers… only questions. But it’s always good to error on the positive side of things. =)
I highly recommend you read “Sapiens,” by Yuval Noah Harari if you really want to think. One of his main arguments is how unique humans are because we are the only lifeform that create things that aren’t real, like institutions. Take the government for example, it only exists within the human mind. It’s not really a thing, its a concept, entirely irrelevant to the planet.
Anyway, my point on legacies is that maybe they are remembered for one, maybe two generations. So in the grand scheme of time, they become irrelevant and are a man made construct. But of course, our own self-importance is also a survival trait. We like to revel in our own ego and believe that all that we do matters.
I was one of the lucky ( yes I said lucky) who got to go into the office during the Covid lockdowns. In a building meant for 400 there was 20 of us. 19 more people than most could interact with it and I needed it.
I relate that time back to the tech bubble in ways. I lived through 3 or 4 different companies going through bankruptcy or near bankruptcy. I always related the Skelton staff do a wake of a funeral. We were walking around in the shell of the company that was. That would never be the same.
The lockdown times and to this day still have the same feel. The hybrid office means there is a bit more life but it all feels like we are pretending. That what we know is dead and are waiting for something next to happen.
For me it makes the soonish retirement day that much easier. What loyalty I may have had is gone and what ever social culture came out of work is long one
Well I’m glad you felt lucky to go into the office at that time. There were many who probably felt the opposite, so good for you.
As you mention, the hybrid office experiment is in an interesting state. Having done it myself for over two years now, my experience has been (with two separate companies), big brother wants everyone back five days a week, while most people definitely don’t want that. My two cents, is who wants to be in the office tends to be based on stage in life. If you are young and building a career, or your older and an empty nester, those two age ranges tend to want to be in person more. If you have kids or are middle-aged (like myself), flexibility and less office time seems to be the desire. Where it eventually goes, I just don’t know.
But I like your take that it feels like everyone is playing pretend, because neither side really knows how this hybrid experiment will eventually end.
Never stopped smelling the roses, this has been a very good year for us. Only slightly different than past years, certainly just as good, with the future looking brighter each year. Sure, anyone can find things to complain about if they want to, but I’d prefer to dwell on all the things I have to feel grateful for. And those are countless.
Good to hear all is well with you Steveark. Like you, my life overall hasn’t been that bad during this pandemic and I always agree with your take on gratitude. Positivity will trump negativity on any day.
Yep, I continue to invest a good deal of time smelling the roses. These are certainly strange times – certainly the strangest of my life. I’m grateful each and every day for the life I’ve lived thus far.
Reflection, positivity, hope and optimism keep me primed for tomorrow and the world along with it.
Gotta smell those roses! Haha… Or Northern Washington pines in your case.
That’s a good last line to sum up it all up: “Reflection, positivity, hope and optimism keep me primed for tomorrow and the world along with it.”