“Do you think you’ll be able to rebuild your life?”
I looked at him hard, furrowed my brows, and shot off my answer like returned gunfire on a battlefield.
“Of course.”
There was no hesitation. No doubt. No room for second-guessing.
Once you let the dubiety fester, then the end is nigh. You might win a few more battles in the melee, but eventually the war will be lost. Indecision is left for those scavenging the ruins.
He seemed to pause as if measuring me, weighing his words like he was about to put them on a scale.
“Why do you think that is the case?”
He had that look about him, that typical counselor look – half bullshit with half put together, half gimmick and half some kind of drugging experience. Once in a while you get someone that understands, but most of them are a joke. I don’t say this lightly, but that’s what I’ve found. I just haven’t been impressed. The desire might be there, but the skill set is lacking.
I always tell my wife, give me three addicts, get them clean for 30 days and I guarantee you one of them will want to become a drug counselor (I’m going to sound like an arrogant prick saying this, and always remember, I can be a dark sarcastic asshole with the best of them, but that’s how it is. I see this shit all the time.) I’m not saying this is a bad thing, I’m pointing out that this is the pool you’re working with. A lot of people with desire that haven’t even done the work. And this desire is understandable. You get the gift of a second chance, and all you want to do is pass it on to someone else… give it freely to someone else. You start questioning everything in your life and realize that you have an expiration date stamped on your ass and better start getting after it. Living in a cubicle isn’t going to cut it as a cool story to tell all your angel buddies when you hit those pearly gates with an unused corporate pension in tow.
Hahaha.
The problem is, that’s not how it works. Rebuilding a life isn’t given, it’s earned. And it’s up to each person’s unique story to figure out what works for them.
Really, it’s the same as any profession in life. There are the best – that handful of elite at the top of the industry – and then all the rest are basically “good enough” to not look entirely incompetent. I was dealing with the addiction industry’s “good enough” here.
“I don’t think anything,” I replied. “I know.”
He seemed taken aback by my answer, as if my certainty was making him second guess his current trajectory of questioning.
“Do you think that’s risky,” he finally postulated. His lazy eyes slowly swimming around like fish in a bowl.
“Risky,” I repeated. “Why?” My confidence only growing.
“Because there’s no room for error… for failure.”
Now I had him.
I grinned so wide it was as if I took a knife in my hand, gripped handle down and plunged the serrated blade deep into my face, carving a chiseled bloody-red zig-zagging maniacal line from cheek to cheek.
The words were fire on the tip of my tongue, burning my lips from the heat of the moment.
“Failure isn’t an option.”
—
If you want to see what someone is really made of…
If you want to see who someone truly is…
Then start taking away from their life one hope at a time until there is nothing left.
That’s when the music stops.
That’s when everything comes out from hiding.
That’s when you find the real you that was waiting for you all along. The only problem was that it had been buried… buried under years of neglect.
Rebuilding a life is never something you think you’ll have to do.
It’s so far from the mind of any person that even accepting the notion is like acknowledging aliens have landed on Earth. Because in order to begin a rebuild, you must first acknowledge how far you have fallen.
There are two stories to every life – there is the story that happens and then there is the story that we tell ourselves about what is happening.
Don’t get these two things confused.
To reiterate, there is reality, and then there is our version of reality. These are not the same thing.
While you sit there reading, you might be saying to yourself, man, I’m glad I’ve never had to rebuild my life like Q-FI.
But in essence, you are no different than me.
That’s what we are – builders. Or constantly rebuilding one brick at a time… one day at a time… one hour at a time… one minute at time… the version of what life we want to live.
You don’t have to lose it all before you understand this. The levels go up and down like rungs on a ladder. It’s not a matter of where, but when I’ll see you on that climb.
What do you think breathing is? What do you think your daily commute to the office is? What do you think laying your head down on a pillow each night to dream and wake up again in a cycle that has a distinct end date is?
It’s building. Building what reality we choose to see before our very own eyes.
And each choice we make, each decision that we contemplate, all the expectations that we grasp and all the thoughts that we grow like eager saplings leaning towards the sunlight, are simply another bar in the prison of our own making.
The real question is how large do you want that jail cell to be? How far do you want that prison yard to stretch?
I’d be lying to you if I told you that you can reach your dreams. Because there are always limits. There are always ceilings pushing down on us.
The trick is to bend your dreams so that they reach you.
I can be a lost dreamer with the best of them, and that’s when I can get into trouble. That’s when I fall off the tight rope line, distracted by all the glamour in a world built to shove gilded expectations down my throat and cut off my oxygen until I swallow.
Yet when you live your life to the fullest, you can see beyond the bars. They become invisible. The prison yard has expanded to become your play pen of possibilities.
That is transcendence. That’s when you’ve made it… broken through the ceiling into the forgotten realms of the imagination.
It all comes down to options.
It all comes down to perspective.
It all comes down to not living two separate stories. When reality and the story you believe in about yourself intertwine, you have achieved balance.
You have become that which you sought.
You’re a builder.
So, stop reading this right now and get after it. The next time I see you, I’m going to ask to see that shovel in your hand.
And make no mistake about it, you better have something to show me.
Till then.
Let’s see what we can build…
-Q-FI
—
What are you currently building, or have you ever had to rebuild a life? Tell me below, and lay it on me, one brick at a time.
even if an outward appearance is one of treading water or staying the same we are all changing all the time. i’ve found some of the changes to be almost imperceptible at times but stuff is still happening.
i’m all in with you on some of the wannabe helper shit merchants. “if you’re the cure i’ll take the disease!”
Love that line, “if you’re the cure I’ll take the disease!” Hahaha.
Thanks for swinging by Freddy!
Nice one. Yet again, you post an article that is related to or a prelude to my next one. Full answer then! But yes, each breath is a brick laid in the tower of our lives.
As always, looking forward to your next one. That’s a great line as well, “each breath is a brick laid in the tower of our lives.”
Aw, so very, very true! We are the builders of our lives and dreams. It is always a building and rebuilding – or at least a remodeling – of our dreams. We all rush towards our futures only to have to step back and reevaluate everything at some point, usually over and over. And I agree that for most of us failure isn’t an option. You were right, my friend. You would rebuild. Well done!
I like this theme of building. A lot of people tend to only pay attention to the grandiose rags to riches tales but each day we are living out our own foundation. Like Freddy points out, lots of change you can’t see, but it’s always happening.
Remodeling our dreams – I like that one as well. Nice one Katie. Kudos to you.
And you are correct: failure is never an option… only new beginnings… haha.
Inspirational piece here. That’s right, we are building our lives every moment of the day. Unfortunately, most moments of the day are just motions and not lived with intention. Its so easy to just fall into a rut and drive with our eyes closed. I try my best to be intentional about the things I do on a daily basis, but its hard. Its so easy to let the mind drift and just go with the flow. I can only imagine how your “failure is not an option” mindset was your anchor to keep you focused.
I liked the part where you talk about prison and how we see the world. That’s some deep sh!t. We’re only as free as our minds allow us to be. Some of us make our own prisons without realizing it. I think the good thing, as you allude to to, is we can start building or rebuilding any time. There’s really is no failure, except death of course, but we can start building anytime, go in any direction. Discipline is the key. I know I’ve had to start over more than once in my adult life. While its difficult to go through, once you make it, and you’ve seen the other side (for me it was concrete walls), you realize that anything is possible.
Again great post dude. Perfect read to start my week.
Thanks Noel and great comment man. Just like you I try to be intentional, but most of the time I’m not. Hahaha. It’s the epitome of much easier said than done.
I’ve always believed freedom is more of a mental state than anything physical. Even without work and living financial dependence we’re still adhering to the rules of a game so to speak. Albeit a different game than most, but there are still limits. We still have to abide by money and healthcare, etc. I wrote about this awhile ago in a piece called “Freedom isn’t free.”
Yep, really no such thing as failure. Only self-imposed. We can always start again or change. I’ll also add, nothing wrong with starting over numerous times. I think this gets stigmatized, but really the only judge should be you on yourself.
Have a great week bud!
I’ve been sober awhile…never did rehab, but go to meetings. This is what helps me. I’ve seen my share of the “counselors” go back to their old ways. It’s almost a curse. I don’t want to be a guru. Good post…Thanks
PS- a bit late to the FI party (no pun intended)…don’t follow all the RULES, but I do some things right. My middle son just graduated college over the weekend (Electrical Engineering). With state pre paid plan and some 529 he graduates with zero loans. It’s nice to be sober and getting closer and closer to FIRE (if I want it). I must confess I still have a penchant for trying to pick home run stocks in my taxable account. I’m a work in progress… whatta gonna do.
We are all works in progress Glincoln… hahaha. No shame nor uniqueness there. If others don’t want to admit it, then that’s fine. But we’re all mostly just making it up as we go along… haha.
Congrats on your son coming out of college with no loans. That’s a big help. I think the trick is in helping him realize what an advantage that can be.
I’m always a little bit mixed when writing about addiction. I like to be truthful, but at the same time I don’t want to steer people away from having an open mind. Meetings are great for most people and always my first recommendation. However, in my case, for whatever reason, I struggled with some inconsistencies and cross talk that led me down a different path. I tried a ton of different meetings and styles but just never found the right fit. But things that bothered me, didn’t necessarily bother other people, and meetings are the largest support group you’ll find in the addiction sphere.
I’m going to write a post someday on why I decided to in essence, to create my own recovery, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. It will be written when the time is right. I know there’s others like me out there, but we’re just a lot harder to find because we usually aren’t as vocal about our past in normal settings.
Regarding FI, I don’t really believe in anyone being late to it. It tends to find you when you need it or don’t need it. Some people love working certain jobs that I find monotonous their entire lives. To each their own. Like you said “if you want it” – that’s the key. Having the option is what counts and it sounds like you have laid a solid foundation to give you choices in your future.
On stocks, we’re addicts/alcoholics. We’ll always have a penchant for going for the home run stock picks… hahaha. At least you acknowledge it.
Good luck bud and thanks for reading as well as chiming in. I always appreciate a fellow afflicted’s two cents.
“ There are two stories to every life – there is the story that happens and then there is the story that we tell ourselves about what is happening.”
Indeed.
Which is why we think we are all building perfection, but when we take a step back and look objectively we see a Jenga tower comprised of unstable foundations, unlikely load balancing, awkward angles, and a precarious presence maintained almost solely by our fervent hopes and dreams.
We keep on hoping and adding new levels, occasionally shoring up the more unwieldy elements, but periodically down it tumbles and we start over. Perhaps a little wiser for the experience. Still far from perfect.
Such is life.
Well put my man. It is a precarious balance beam we negotiate while acting like the world is at our fingertips. Haha.
Great summation.
Thanks for the comment and sharing your insight Indeedably.
BTW… I finally caught up on your blog. I fell down a little hole there for awhile with the new house, but I think I’ve climbed back out. Your stuff is too deep to binge on so I need to space it out for maximum absorption. Ha!
Looking forward to you next one bud and I hope Sovereign Quest has turned out how you envisioned. We can always use more voices promoting good content worth consuming.