How is it that two people can experience the exact same event and yet have polar opposite views on it?
I think that is life, there is the surface and there is the undertow, there is the perception and then there is reality. What these will be, is determined on the individual’s point of view.
I’ll give you an example.
The perception:
A few framed wedding pictures sit on the mantle in our living room. When my family sees these photos, they experience the normal feelings one would expect from being present at a wedding day – warmth, happiness and celebration. They remember how much fun they had and how happy everyone was to celebrate our marriage – the smiles, dancing and cheers. It must have been the happiest day of their lives, they think. He married his best friend and celebrated a small intimate wedding with everyone they loved. He couldn’t ask for anything more.
The reality:
Then there is what I see, the exact opposite – a sharp pain like the probing of an open wound that will never heal – drinking/withdrawals. I see the hanging jowls, the bloated jaundiced skin and red-rimmed haunting opiate-glazed eyes staring back at me from the photos with a maudlin accusation and regretful failure. I was a shell of a man at that time when I was supposed to be ushering in one of the happiest moments of my life (at no fault to my wife – it was entirely my own deception). But this wasn’t a new beginning, it was a prolonged hell of my own making.
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A photograph is an interesting thing. The photo itself is real, yet the image it captures is not. The picture is reflecting a moment in time that no longer exists. All the past is, is a chemical reaction in your brain that creates a memory of what you perceive to be something that has already happened. It is irrelevant, the only reality is the present. There is no past and there is no future, there is only NOW.
Yet why does something that doesn’t matter, cause me so much pain? Why is it that our hidden secrets cling to us so tightly?
These pictures are almost like small embers burning, they stoke the fire when we view the image and the memories flood back.
It would be two more years before my addiction would put me only weeks from the grave. But denial was king, and while I walked that lonely and desolate road on the inside, my smile couldn’t have been wider on the outside – kind of like a photograph… because a picture isn’t worth a thousand words. Behind every image lurks a secret story just waiting to be told.
These are the things in life that are left unsaid. We experience them and slip them into our pocket quietly and carry them with us throughout our existence. They aren’t pretty, gift-wrapped discussions that we can break out in normal conversation, they are the ragged edges that we cut ourselves on and keep hidden. But they make us who we are. It is the rushing water that slowly erodes the stone and shapes the canyons in our mind.
Maybe think to yourself tonight before you go to sleep, what is that I have left unsaid…
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Now it’s time to throw a curve ball.
Although this example is extreme, we can see some parallels with the personal finance cliché of ‘keeping up with the Joneses’. Faking wealth is much like living the life of a functioning addict. On the outside everything looks fine while on the inside their life is crumbling. And once you’ve become accustomed to weaving a certain deception, once it’s become so ingrained within yourself that you almost start to believe that it’s real, life now becomes centered on adhering to that fake stage no matter the cost.
Because the show must go on.
And now you’ve played at world building with stones too heavy to lift. A fantasy foundation has been constructed, molded with concrete lies and laid down with wooden beams of mistruth. Egos have grown, golden perceptions fattened, and expectations indulgently met while a ticking time bomb has been set.
There is no escape from a prison of your own making. Only you can decide. Only you can find the key.
So, on the outside, someone might have the fancy car, the big house and the glittering jet setting vacations around the world. But on the inside, you don’t know what’s happening, and probably more often than not, you don’t want to know. That person could be hemorrhaging cash and drowning in debt so deep it will only lead to bankruptcy.
And although strolling by that life on an unassuming sunny afternoon might look like the American dream, a beautifully wrapped package of all the material wants and desires that will solve your problems and lead to that ever-elusive feeling of happiness, just remember…
Be careful what dream you’re chasing…
Because perception is not always reality.
-Q-FI
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P.S. Short and sweet today. When was the last time you found perception not to be reality in your own life?
Over time I’ve found that whatever it is I happen to be seeing it invariably far more complex and different that what I’m actually perceiving at that moment. This is particularly the case with people. Kind of akin to gazing on the sea and knowing there’s a whole lot of activity and whatnot taking place below the surface. And you’re right, sometimes I probably don’t want to know.
This also holds true with one’s self as your example clearly demonstrates. We humans are masters of self-deception and buying into our own fantastical mental constructs, so it’s worthwhile to always spend a bit of time peeking behind your own mental curtains to stay grounded with your reality.
I really like that sea analogy, that’s a good one. And you’re spot on, some self-reflection on your own reality is always good to keep that self-deception in check.
Good stuff Mr. Fate.
I think it’s who you choose to hang out with. My friends are mostly wealthy self made types. They have all the stuff, multiple houses, fancy boats, some even have personal jets. But they still live well within their means. They are devoted to family, hard workers and generous. I’m well off too, but live a more simple life without as much stuff. I don’t see a big difference in perception and reality in these people, they are pretty open and transparent.
Hey Steveark, if you enjoy the people you hang out with and the perception is the reality like you say, all the more power to you. You’ve hit the jackpot in my opinion. That’s a great group of people you’ve surrounded yourself with and enviable qualities like generosity, openness and transparency.
I like the photo analogy, it strikes a chord.
As a kid I used to deliver newspapers around a nearby neighbourhood. Outwardly many of the houses conveyed an impression, the perfect middle class suburban nuclear family. In the summer time, when doors and windows were open to cope with the heat, sound would carry out to the letterboxes on the street, revealing fragments of what life was really like behind that veil of perception would emerge. Little pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
This house was ruled by a tyrant. That one had a father overly hands-on with his daughters. Another might contain a couple enduring a Cold War style battle of mutually assured destruction.
It taught me that things are seldom how they appear, and that nobody knows what is really going on beneath the surface. A valuable life lesson.
Thanks for stopping by indeedably! Yeah, this is one of the few times my photo ever even remotely resembles the content… haha. I just don’t have the time to do more. Wish I did and I know it would improve the posts a ton, but I’m fine with where I’m at in this juncture. I write and then pick some photo that has 99% of the time to do with nature and nothing else, then fire it out into the internet void like a gunslinger on the draw… no second thoughts and no regrets.
Great description from your childhood of what life can be like behind that “veil of perception,” and I couldn’t agree more that it’s valuable lesson to keep in mind you never really know what’s going on beneath the surface.
BTW… even your comments seem very well written. Thanks for chiming in again, I love hearing your take on things, always interesting and thoughtful.
I found climbing the ladder at work to be quite different than I thought it would be. Seems to be a lot more Joneses higher up the ladder too. It’s crazy I used to yearn for more responsibility at work, and now that I have it, I dream about the simpler good old days when people used to just tell me what to do at work. But I think sometimes it takes wrong perception and barking up the wrong tree to figure ourselves out and what we want in life.
I liked that reference about the photo. Good stuff. You’re right, the Now is all we have, it’s all that’s real. We can drive ourselves nuts worrying about the future and past if we get too caught up in our thoughts. For me, practicing mindfulness helps keep things in perspective and present.
It’s been my experience, the higher I climb, the more stress and anxiety comes with the responsibility. And I also find that with every additional year I am craving simplicity more and more. And I agree with your point, that until we do things, try on that pair of clothes per se, we don’t know whether it will be a good fit for us. It’s a tricky thing balancing what we “think” we want with what truly makes us happy.
Like you I try to practice mediation and mindfulness, but as you know, living in the present is it’s own continuous battle and challenge. Easier said than done.
Thanks for your thoughts Noel!
Thank you! I needed this reminder today after an interesting weekend where I thought I was somehow failing at life in comparison to a few others. I’m not. Intellectually I know I’m not, but I did second guess some choices, like my used car and my refusal to blow a lot of money on jewelry and clothing. But I am where I am and where I am is a very good fortunate place. I needed this!
Good for you getting clean, and maybe seek to find the joy too. Those wedding pictures may show a sick man, but they also show a fortunate and strong man with an incredible wife. That’s only the beginning of your official journey and you can continue to improve and strengthen your marriage. Those pictures are a gift.
Well, I live to serve and a little birdy chirped on my shoulder that this is exactly what Katie needs to climb back on her camel and start writing again… haha.
And comparison never stops. I’m in LA, you’re in Philly, both big cities – we are surrounded by consumption. It’s natural to get swept up in the tide of popular opinion.
Plus, with my house search, it has been so fucking hard keeping a level head. “Oh, look at that upgrade.” “Oh, look at that yard.” Sticking to a budget is tough when you see all these things that you think you want.
Nice points on the wedding pics. It’s always good to flip the script. I had not thought of them as a gift before. Good insight.
BTW… always seeking joy! Great stuff miss camel!
Perception is not always reality. I really like how you brought up keeping up with the Joneses. In today’s world, people try to do that. I think it is important to just be you. This will help you choose the right people to hang out with. You will start to see who is being real and who isn’t. Yes, I agree, it is easier said than done. However, it sounds like you are doing that which is awesome!
I agree with you Financial Fred – it is important to just be you. And really, that’s the entire goal. How our lives play out pursuing that endeavor in our own skin will define what we each deem “real” to ourselves. Plus, I think it is important to grant ourselves the room for change. Who you are at a certain point in time is not who you will be, and values shift as we gain deeper layers of experience and understanding throughout our lives – picking up pieces of wisdom like a kid on the seashore collecting shells.