I’ll start with, I think we downplay our attachment to numbers too much – too much worth is being heaped on the shoulders of this intersubjective reality like a panacea for the devout.
Numbers written on a page. Numbers projected in an Excel column on a computer screen. Numbers in our heads.
Numbers that tell us who we are.
And I’m not talking about being addicted to watching the market hourly or trading stocks daily (which can be another unhealthy habit – if done too often), what I’m talking about is our obsession with attaching our self-worth to a paycheck number… or a net worth number… or even worse… a debt number.
Because that’s what we do as a society. We say numbers don’t matter – happiness, contentment, challenge and growth are the goals. But we determine value in this modern world by money – particularly the more expensive something is the more it is valued.
I can see all the pundits raising their hands in objection, but that’s how I see it. And I do it all the time myself. I try not to let money cloud my judgement, but we’ve been programmed since children, either directly or indirectly, to worship the high earner. The more you have, the more you can buy. The greater the income, the better the life.
At least that’s how it works in theory and new age marketing.
How many times have you been at a party or social gathering and overheard someone gossip, “oh they’ll be fine, I hear they make a ton of money.” Or “they’re rich, they’ll have nothing to worry about.”
Numbers are our superficial answers. They are our problem solvers. Surface scrapers.
The greater that number you’re attached to and the better person you are. The more successful you are. The more admired you are.
Now, if you’re an average American or really any person from any country, you’ve known since being a young kid, that there’s no free lunch, you’re going to have to get a job when you’re older and make money. That’s how the world works. If you don’t earn any income then you won’t have any food to eat, you won’t have a place to live. That’s the system that we have inherited – an imagined intersubjective reality in which we trade paper or digits on a screen with plastic cards to keep living a life of productivity and consumption.
We all know this, but rarely do we discuss it. Or even acknowledge it as prevalent and true that the idea or reality is.
And that brings me back to our attachment to numbers – specific numbers to be exact. What is your hourly rate? What is your annual salary? How high is your number? How much are you worth? How much are you valued? Or more than we’d like to admit, maybe how much we each value ourselves.
Too often we use numbers to decide this. Because it’s easy. It’s the gold standard that everyone reaches for.
A universal comparison model… a multinational measuring stick… a global scorecard.
But if all your bank accounts and entire net worth were wiped out tomorrow, would you still be the same person? Do you live your life independent of the numbers?
Because I’ll openly admit, I struggle with this. I’ve always struggled not to attach my paycheck to my self-worth. It’s easier said than done. Yet it’s normal. It’s accepted and implied. And we’ve done it our entire lives. Unless someone is rich or inherited money, they are just like us.
They have their number.
They are attached. They are intertwined. They are dependent.
So why am I even thinking about this? These are ideas that any child knows.
It’s because I’ve been doing a lot of watching lately. A lot of watching my wife specifically, and how she struggles not working now, because she has no number.
We don’t call it that. We call it “transition” or “change.” And I don’t point out the empty void that space without a number has caused. We can’t see it. We can’t touch it. But we can feel it. It’s there. Lurking in the background like an invisible storm just waiting to manifest.
And I’m not referring to how high or low that number is. What I’m specifically talking about is when that earnings column becomes a zero. I call it the “Grim Reaper Goose Egg.” Because we have to tread very carefully now. We’ve lost our anchor point in society, and if we aren’t careful, we’ll have lost a good portion of who we are.
When we are used to making money, and then we don’t. We struggle to feel like we are contributing. There’s an identity shift that must happen – sometimes it can be eased into, but mostly it’s a brutal awakening as sudden as a slap in the face.
We aren’t prepared for the emotional and psychological toll it will take on us.
We’ve lost that number. We’ve lost our self-worth barometer. It doesn’t matter all the tasks we are completing around the house, or the value and memories we create by staying home to raise children.
That emptiness lingers.
We shouldn’t care, but we do. It’s shameful to admit it bothers us. But it does.
Because society no longer values us. We’ve been left behind. No one likes to be forgotten.
The same thing happened to me when I was unemployed from a span in 2016-2017. It didn’t matter how productive I was in other facets of my life – becoming physically fit, progressing my mental health and sobriety, expanding my creativity as an artist. Or all the good things I was doing to contribute to my household, running errands for groceries, fixing things.
To the outside world I was still jobless. I wasn’t progressing in my career. I wasn’t that quintessential productive member of civilization anymore.
I had become numberless…
I was still spending money without earning. And in my own mind, I was fighting not to feel like a liability. I knew I wasn’t. But it was so hard to shake that feeling.
And if no money is coming in, then we feel like we’ve failed.
I know my wife will adapt, and I’ll get into her story more down the road.
But sometimes you must cut out the cancer to live another day.
I know this time of transition will pass for her. But it’s not an easy thing to work through. It sure as hell wasn’t for me, and I thought I knew it all… hahaha.
It’s just one of those things that you really don’t understand until you’ve been through it. If you’ve worked your entire life, then you think a break would be good. You’re grounded. You know who you are.
However, the next time you’re checking your bank account and see those numbers on the screen, think about what they really mean to you.
How attached are you? Could you shed them like a snake leaving its skin? Or are they more a part of you than you realize?
They don’t have to be. But it’s hard. It’s hard to not become dependent on the numbers, when the rest of the world is using them to tell you who you are.
-Q-FI
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How attached have you become to numbers? Do you use them to help tell the story of who you are?
Price ≠ Value
Value isn’t denominated in $.
This epiphany is liberating, grants the individual permission to pursue satisfaction, fulfilment, contentment, or even (dare I say it) happiness. We still have to pay the bills of course, but that becomes a means to an end rather than a reason for being. Consciously selling our time, rather than being defined by a job title or number on a pay slip.
The “transition” as you describe it is harder. Part of it is the no longer measurably contributing, becoming a net taker rather than giver. Another part is fear.
Fear of being financially dependent upon another.
Fear of losing control. Of not having a say. Of their opinion no longer mattering.
Is a big deal, should the provider lose patience or interest, the other party is pretty much screwed.
I agree with you Indeedably, when you finally comprehend that price doesn’t equal value and see beyond the facade, so to speak, the feeling is definitely very liberating and opens up a new realm of possibilities. Like you say, “consciously selling your time.” There’s a saying in the rooms that I think fits aptly to this situation, “sobriety never gets easier, but it gets better.” I feel the same concept applies to people who understand that there is more to life than accumulating as much wealth as possible. Because since the rest of the world still operates under the assumption, that price does equal value, it never gets easier to live by your values, but by doing so, your life does get much better.
The point you make on fear is really interesting to me, because I had fear that I was losing out on income and health benefits, but the fear of being controlled by another never even crossed my mind. But that’s spot on. The loss of income, makes you dependent on your spouse or whoever, and there’s power attached to who controls the income. I think for me, I’ve always been the high earner in our relationship, so when we were dependent on my wife’s lower salary, it never even crossed my mind that she was in control of our finances. I still pretty much managed everything, except I had a lot less income to work with…. haha. And I just assumed sooner than later I’d have a job again and try to make up what we lost in the interim. But that’s an angle I hadn’t thought about at all. If someone is in any kind of challenging/difficult/unhealthy relationship, being dependent on someone else for income would be a big fear.
I believe a lot of the attachment to our numbers has to do with the type of economic system our country uses and the vast income inequality that comes along with it. You bring up some of the nuances that not bringing in an income can have on the psyche, even if the money isn’t needed. I think it takes courage to endure an eye-opening transition like the one your wife is going through, and you went through while unemployed.
I wonder if this fascination with how much we make, the value of our home, our net worth as it pertains to how we feel about ourselves would change if we had a larger social safety net and there wasn’t a shame involved in utilizing it. If we weren’t worried about losing healthcare along with our job, having enough saved for retirement, childcare, college tuition, an unemployment check ending, would this urge to use numbers to determine self-worth be so strong? There’s just so much at stake that numbers solve. The societal judgment, especially here in the US, of an able-bodied person who isn’t earning or trying to earn more, can be a heavy burden to power through.
You’re right, a lot of the attachment to numbers does come from societal or economic systems that constantly tell us this is what you should be doing. This is what a productive and respected person in our economy looks like. They should have these materialistic things surrounding them to signal who they are and how successful.
Unfortunately, that’s how capitalism is built. A change would be nice, but I think at least in the near future, we’re all doing our FI thing under the radar as is – modus operandi. Stealth wealth, consistent investing/saving and conscious spending.
Your larger social net question is interesting. I think it would have to be pretty large in order to ever overcome the stigma. Take for example the UK with Indeedably above, I believe they have much more generous social healthcare and unemployment safety nets, but still have all the same problems of inequality like the US. I think Europe is farther along than us in this aspect, but still not even close to solving the problem.
We’ll just have to continue to be the guinea pigs trying to find our own way, and carrying the burden the best we can.
i like using numbers to tell the story of what is possible with investing. the malevolent missy series would not be the same if we didn’t keep score against the popular indices, for instance. but we don’t let them define us on a personal level. i think the mrs. and i could have been paid a lot more money in our “careers” if we played along but our income level fell squarely into the category of Enough. at this point we probably have twice as much as required for a basic retirement but we like a few nice things that money can buy.
i can say with great certainty that i agree with job loss or lack of employment being a hard adjustment. when i first met my wife i quit a solid job and moved across the state with no job in hand. it was the right move and here we are 20 years later happy as clams….however…. living off only her income for a year or more was a real downer. we didn’t have the savings or resources then that we have now. nobody wants to be a non-contributor to the team’s success. eventually everything worked out and i worked harder and accepted work i might have turned down just to “catch up” my end of the bargain. on the flip side, when she lost her long time job in ’17 we were in a much better position to be choosy about when/if she would return to work. nice article, q-fi!
I love how your story worked out, Freddy! And I know it’s similar to Q-FI’s. Since I’m still single at 41 (almost 42) and am used to earning my own income and covering all my bills, it’d be nearly impossible for me to rely upon someone else to pick up that slack. It has become part of my identity, but I know that my boyfriend would absolutely support me if I needed it. Of course, I’d do the same for him. But it’d be hard for both of us to assume that role of not earning a nice income, especially after we’ve both worked so hard for ours. I suppose that’s the other part of it too — a higher-than-average income usually equates to a lot of hard work, which is part of our identities.
So, yeah, Q-FI, it makes sense that we focus so much on numbers, whether we want to or not. I try to not focus too heavily on my numbers, but I’m totally guilty of it. I think it has more to do with wanting to ensure I can live the life I want someday and not live in fear.
That’s a good point on the single factor, there’s not a safety net like a couple. Probably even a little bit more fear attached to that situation. That’s a good reminder.
I really like this sentence: “I suppose that’s the other part of it too — a higher-than-average income usually equates to a lot of hard work, which is part of our identities.”
I hadn’t thought of it that way, but I like it, because it’s true. Well, at least for me it is. I hear other people say the higher salary or management level they get the less work they do. That’s never been the case for me. Every level I advance to, the job has required more hours and more effort. But that’s a cool way to look at it. That higher number is displaying your work ethic and what you’re trying to achieve, which I agree, is a core part of your identity.
Good stuff.
I think it takes a certain kind of swagger to live independent of the numbers, and you got that swagger Freddy and then some… hahaha.
With all that scratch you’ve been hoarding and investment schemes you’ve been implementing in the Smidlap de Chateau, do you have a certain age or date circled on the calendar to finally sing that swan song? Or are you just feeling it out as you go?
Yeah, as you summarize, it’s usually not a fun deal when you’re faced with any form of unemployment. Especially if you were laid off, and didn’t have a choice in the matter. I had my own struggles as I’ve detailed on the blog. At least in my wife’s case, this was all planned, and we have the savings, etc. She’s going to be a stay at home mom for the fostering (or that’s the goal). But at the same time we’re still going through the approval process, so she’s in a little bit of limbo. Plus, she worked the same job for 18 years, so when she left, there’s still some shock to her system and identity searching that needs to happen now. I kind of thought, that since we had a plan, the adjustment might be a little easier, but everyone has to process it on their own.
We’re getting there. But I’d like to be a little bit more independent of the numbers. I still lean on that as an identity factor more than my liking.
Thought provoking post…I consider myself a pseudo-prepper (if I was a real prepper I’d probably live in a rural area with a farm, chickens, etc) so societal collapse and financial ruin are on my radar. And I’ve made up in my mind that I’m not going to throw myself off a building or give up.
It would certainly be sad if it all went bad, but I really have no control over it. I do feel in some metaphysical way that I should be doing something else to prepare, grow (spiritually, mentally, physically). I was reading Schopenhauer last night, he’s described has a philosophical pessimist and said: “Mostly, it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.”
Yes, busting out a little Schopenhauer. I like it. Maybe I’ll serve up some Mann, Nietzsche or Spengler. Haha.
I do agree with Schopenhauer’s statement, and both of us understand that first hand from our addiction histories. You never quite understand the value of something until it is taken away.
Thanks for a good reminder Glincoln.
Interesting reading. Regarding numbers, i think 1st thing to do is to KNOW, or at least try to imagine, is YOUR number. Meaning, if you are 46 and live until 80/90 how much money would you still need ? Not to live like a sultan, but for the essentially necessary. I worked for 20 years in a row. Wife also with some unwanted unemployment breaks. Covid strike and we are both unemployed. We do not have any debt whatsoever. No credit. No house rent. Car already paid for. 2 kids 16/19. Nevertheless we worked for the numbers like the OP mentioned. Question is: which numbers ? How can you quantify ?
Being out of the labour force you have a different view of the hole spectrum. Mine is, even if i continued worked like i used to, what difference would it make in the final number ? Will it be worth to work for others, or trying to reach a magicaI valuable number ? I do understand I am in a position unusual for the average joe, however this actual perception i have now was unknown to me 2 years ago. And i believe to most readers too. I still dont know what my number will look like, but i know the OTHERS numbers weren’t worth it. Period 🙂
It would be an interesting practice, if in filing your tax return, the IRS made it mandatory that each person goes through the exercise of defining their “hypothetical retirement number” each year based off their return and age. Hahahaha. That’s the only way I ever see educating the masses.
I’m sorry to hear COVID affected both you and your wife’s employment. But it sounds like you both saved and invested wisely, so you’re in good shape. That’s a remarkable achievement today.
Regarding the “hypothetical retirement number,” I don’t really have one and look at it like this. Your “number” should be treated like a balance sheet (only my opinion). It is only a snapshot in time. It’s static. You really want to be focusing on flexibility and your cash flow statement. That’s what you can adjust in real time and remain dynamic.
But that’s just me.
I’ll finish with there is nothing like a sudden job loss to give you perspective. Enjoy your new enlightenment and I hope it serves you well for many more years to come.
Thanks for taking the time to comment and share your story with me Alexandre.
I like this one and you’re correct in that society places a rather high value on the quantitative, specifically as it relates to money. I agree with Indeedably that price does not equal value. I’d also like to think that now that I am FI and retired, that I’m completely unencumbered by financial numbers. That said, I do, of course, still have a number that creates other numbers that allow me to live. While I don’t necessarily think about it very often, I’m reasonably certain that I can do so because I know what the number is. So, to some extent I’m still self-defined in some regard by numbers.
Yeah, I don’t think we’ll ever be completely unencumbered by numbers, like you mention MF. Still gotta live and play by the overall world rules. FI gets you out of the employment life if that’s your desire, but not the overall money game. It’s good to hear though that numbers have fallen to the wayside for the most part for you. That’s what I’m looking forward to. While the numbers will still remain important, they can finally fade into the background like a dimming sunset and relatively go on cruise control.