A smear of blood stabbed at the waking horizon, foreshadowing the imminent dawn yet to come.
A dawn of new beginnings.
A dawn for the taking…
It was still early, 5:40AM, as I boarded my 6:05AM flight to Phoenix. After selecting a window seat, I plopped down and glanced out the nearest port-hole-shaped glass. The vermillion twilight was slipping into shades of ice cream pastels, climbing the crags of Cucamonga Peak with brightening intensity, as if the light was some willful creature just released from a cage.
And in some sense, it was. Just released from the cage of night. Bars of darkness and chains of shadow holding it prisoner until Aphelion had passed…
But there I went again, my imagination running rampant. Always trying to see things that were never there.
I snapped out of it and looked up, watching my fellow travelers picking their seats with the entitled air of spoiled children. Eyeing each stranger with a cold and calculated surveillance. It was only a 1-hour flight, but the way people were assessing each other, you would have thought life and death hung in the balance, wielding their glares like invisible weapons toward an unsuspecting foe.
But it was the flight attendants who had the final say, holding court over everyone like authoritative parents – judge, jury and executioner captaining this boat in the sky, “please have your mask covering your nose as well. This is federal law on airplanes.”
You would have hoped that after a year and a half of COVID, people would realize that a mask needs to cover both your nose and mouth. But apparently this notion still takes rocket science intelligence to grasp.
Watching this selfish sea of trickling humanity slowly surround myself wasn’t improving my mood at all. How many fucking sardines can we squeeze in a can while bitter bystanders dance at musical chairs to avoid the middle seat?
It was apparent I was a little groggy and grumpy myself. And I wasn’t happy about traveling again either. There were Delta variant cases on the rise, but my company wanted to act like everything was getting back to normal.
It was disappointing to observe.
And even more infuriating to live.
But there were real consequences for speaking up. I don’t think the dreamers realize this, the idealists, those that like to talk a big game but never act. If you want to make change and hold to your values, then careers will be lost. Real change takes an ugliness to enact, sacrifice, martyrdom… and there will always be collateral.
Lots of collateral…
Will you be the first to volunteer?
I didn’t think so.
Because that’s the truth of the matter. Stick to whatever guns you want. Justice and fairness only exist when dollars and power are backing these fleeting ideals.
I tried to brush the negative thoughts away like a feather on my mind. This wasn’t how I liked to start my day. But it wasn’t easy.
My previous week had been brutal.
I had to book a last-minute flight to Reno, NV for some unplanned negotiations. This would usually be a 1.5-hour direct flight one way, but low and behold, I couldn’t find any direct flights. Long story short, a quick overnight trip ended up with two different days of 8-hour stints in airports. Plane repairs, delayed flights turning into canceled flights, I had hit the jackpot of travel nightmares. What was supposed to be 3 hours max of airtime round trip, turned into 16 hours of waiting, masked up and drowning in an ocean of travelers who believed the world had moved on from a deadly disease.
Plus, we’re talking airports here. I hate fucking airports. I’ve written about it before, if you want to see the worst of humanity acted out before your very eyes, just spend some time in an airport people watching. It’ll make you think twice about helping your fellow man next time (which you should do anyway).
Am I jaded? Do I sound a little fucking jaded today? Hahahahaha. Yeah, I am.
Some days are always better than others. And you caught me on one sloping down.
But after experiencing a trip like that, it can feel like there’s no escape. It can feel like being locked in a room with no doors.
At least, that’s what my histrionic emotions flood my body with, the anxious energy from a fight or flight panic. But it’s never the case. There are always options, exits. It’s just that sometimes we get angry. Sometimes we see red. And it’s hard to look beyond the emotions and remember the possibilities in that moment.
The last two weeks haven’t been easy. Nothing serious in life, just work stuff. Just back to the grind.
Big things need to get done in the world – egos stroked, illusions cemented, denial fed and employees controlled with an iron grip.
The corporate delusion must endure: endemic, pervasive, hopelessly ironic?
Hahaha. When I get tired, my writing turns into a bitch fest. Poor me. Poor lil’ Q-FI had to work at his corporate job and make money. It’s kind of sad when I look at it like that.
I wish I was better at this perspective thing.
And I acknowledge there is no gun to my head. I don’t work in a war zone, faced daily with survival. The stakes are low, almost beneath consideration: a bruised ego, tempered self-esteem, confidence forlorn, another day of luxury working from home and ignoring the privilege heaped in the corner like scrooge Mcduck and a stack of coins. Black pits forming under drooping eyes that don’t have to squint and blink in the summer heat toiling at manual labor.
I’m complaining about easy street here. This is fucking cake-ville compared to all that other shit.
I guess my real quibble, is I’m a little depressed. I’m struggling with merging back into a fulltime corporate life, learning to be inauthentic again and never tell the truth. Hahaha. It’s almost like the past 17 months never happened. Was the WFH experiment even real (we’re not back in the office yet, but the writing’s on the wall)?
My trip to Phoenix went fine. Three days of in-person meetings. Three days of lost productivity. Three days of massaging management’s self-importance, self-conceit and self-worth.
It’s funny, when something happens that you’ve known all along, but rarely seen acted out. It had always been in the back of my mind; how much more productive I had been working from home. And those three days of meetings drove this point like a stake in the heart. It was back to long nights in hotel rooms playing catch up from having to wear a straight face in person and act engaged all day, nodding along to all the incompetent and stupid ideas you hear but can’t voice a real opinion in opposition without shattering self-esteems as fragile as glass, realizing with a new energy and motivation what a disaster this corporate model had been.
And sure, WFH has its own problems, the balance has forever tilted, into that age old question of when does work begin and end? But that balance had already been breached for me a long, long time ago. Once cell phones and the internet began, there was no such thing as disconnecting any more.
Work/life balance?
A beautiful term as it rolls off the tongue, but words as empty as air once breathed out into the world – dead and final like ink on a page.
It will be nice to live an authentic life someday.
I’m still working on it. And the easy answer is there’s no reason why I can’t be doing that right now (just click on the nearest SEO compatible lifestyle design blog). Hahaha. Well, in certain areas I do and in others I don’t.
Unfortunately, most of the time we play the role that is expected of us, patiently biding our time until we no longer need to wear those chains, eventually if we’re lucky, shrugging them off like the skin of a snake, shedding that old life for a chance at a new.
It’s a work in progress. Always, a work in progress. Like me – a work in progress.
When locked in a room with no doors. Nothing has to be final.
To shape a door, we need a key.
A mechanism of release. That which binds. A means to our end.
So why not make one?
I thought back to that morning sunrise – spears of jewel-bright gold and glittering beams of amber cresting the horizon like liquid light overflowing a dam.
What did daylight feel when it was trapped in its cage of night? Maybe like it too was locked in a room with no doors?
What would happen if it could break free forever?
Maybe I could do something like that.
I smiled.
Yes, I thought. I liked that.
Why not create a life, in which day no longer chased night?
-Q-FI
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Have any of you had to shift back to the grind lately? Or has work always been the same for you during this entire pandemic? Or take a stab at this dandy – how do you keep yourself balanced, when you lose perspective? Have you ever felt like you’ve been locked in a room with no doors?
Honestly I’m hopeful things return somewhat back to 2019 type situations but not for the bad things you listed. I enjoyed my job before covid but hate it now. Why? Cause all the people who were just seat fillers at worked realized they had to do something remotely or be exposed…. So the amount of fake work created that diverts the rest of us that already do most of it is unbearable…. I haven’t seen this much “compliance and quality” work since Sox was enacted.
It’s all about perspective! Hahahaha. It’s kind of hilarious we’re on the opposite spectrum. But I totally get it. If my work situation had been better prior to COVID then I’d want it back too. For me it’s mostly I have a psychotic micro-managing boss, so any kind of distance from him is Shangri la. If it weren’t for that, then things wouldn’t be too different.
Just curious, did you travel a lot prior to COVID? Or not that much? Airport life has been pretty shitty since I’ve been back on planes.
I haven’t had to deal with so much “fake work” so to speak. That’s interesting the increased “red tape” you’ve had to traverse.
That’s a pretty good SOX reference, it had me cracking up. That shit was ridiculous. Talk about creating mountains of worthless paperwork. =)
I traveled about a week a month pre covid. That restarted for me in April, but our current project is based out of the middle of nowhere Vermont, so I just drive the 7 hours for my two week visits. Honestly the local airport is so small it’s easier then flying pre covid. Have yet to be back on a plane.
I will say my perspective is probably different anyway because I was wfh when not traveling pre covid. Now I just get to do it with my kids in the next room all the time.
Ahhhh, you had already tasted the promised land… hahaha. J/K. WFH w/ kids plus home schooling seems like pure insanity. My hats off to you.
Does daylight ever really disappear? It’s us who see the darkness arrive each night, not the light, which shines no matter which way the earth is turned. But it is all about our perspective, as you allude to. How we view it is how it is: perception is reality. I think you being mindful of your perspective/situation means you’re already well ahead of the curve. Some people never think to question that there are no doors and are all too happy to obliviously drift along…though which is worse is probably up for debate.
I know all too well how you feel. My shift is taking place as well. A few weeks ago word was passed that WFH had ended and everyone needed to be back. Well, I’ve ignored that email somewhat, being I don’t have a true direct boss and team. So I’ve been keeping up my routine knowing full well that at any moment it can end and I’ll be back spending 3 hours a day in traffic.
2020 was really tough for me, but 2021 has been pretty good. My work-from-home gig will probably go down as one of the best adult summers of my life; no traffic, no arguments at work, kicking it with the kiddos, going to the library on my lunch hour. Though I fear I’m going to need glasses now as my once 20/20 vision is faltering because of so much screen time–or age–but I’ll blame the computer. I both dread and look forward to getting back to what I’ve been hired to do, I worry I’m getting rusty. In a way, I’m ready to get on with it, sort of like waiting for the day you’re to get surgery or take a test. I’d just wish the people in charge could make a decision on how it’s going to be, but I get the uncertainty of it all, being we work in the time of covid.
Hahahaha… I loved this comment. You are right. The light never goes away, it’s us that keeps on turning. I got lost in the stars there a little with my imagination. Haha. Happens to the best of us. =) I’ll go back and rewrite it now… j/k. Good catch.
WFH was a fun experiment while it lasted. I’m same as you, probably look back on it with a nostalgic smile and remember it for the good times it was.
Just more change coming which we know how to handle. I had a couple rough travel days so it always makes me feel a little better to vent and get it out of the system. Nothing like a little pre-madonna bitch-fest when you’re the master of your own blog.
Thanks for the great comment bud.
Here’s to hoping the pandemic ends, but for those that want WFH… the miracle just might stay…
There are some things that I am eager to return to normal, and others that I can’t believe we ever did to begin with. Hour-plus commutes, for example. How much more productive would employees be if they were allowed to take care of some basics at home (catching up on emails, virtual meetings, etc.), skip the morning rush, and stroll into the office in half the time and with twice the energy? I fear that many lessons will go unlearned when (and, apparently, if) we return to a new normal. Same as it ever was.
I know what you mean IF. I also had a long commute prior to COVID (I moved as well during COVID and won’t have as bad a commute now). The big thing with the commute was, sure, I got more time back and was better rested. But it was also my mood. Battling traffic just subconsciously puts me in a shitty mood. Hahahaha. Eliminating dealing with A-hole drivers was just a real fucking blessing.
But I’m with you, I don’t think companies will learn. Mine has already been pushing the propaganda that we are more productive when in person. But all the data from the past year shows, that we’ve had our most profitable year since the great recession with WFH and employee engagement surveys have never been higher. It’s one thing if the company just said, we don’t care, you’re in the office now. It’s another when they try this self-deception shit that really pisses people off, because it’s all lies. I’ve never understood why people can’t have a choice. If shit works, don’t fuck with it.
Ha, perspective indeed as someone who’s just thoroughly enjoyed flying again! But I entirely agree it’s totally different when you are choosing to do it for fun, rather than being ‘forced’ to for work.
The trick for me when back working was to always remember I was choosing to do so. Like you say, there is always a choice – we just don’t always like the options. Giving yourself better options is the whole point of FIRE to me.
I don’t remember how close you are to your goal now but for me, once in the final three years I had a very different mindset at work. Speaking up about all those dumb ideas, turning down things I knew were a waste of time etc etc. Once you are close enough & just working for more padding on the numbers, it’s very different. And funnily enough, work was a lot more fun that way 😉
So yeah, you always have options….
Hahahaha… I 100% agree. If I was on that plane ready to jet-set to an exotic location and explore, my tune definitely would have changed. Maybe those spoiled travelers would become eccentric accomplices to my new adventure! Why you are traveling definitely can determine your mood.
I try to use the choice strategy as you mention, but after a really beat down week it can be hard to hold on to that perspective.
My timeline is really up in the air. It would have been soon minus the house and starting a family. But that’s kind of what the next 2-3 years will really be – fully understanding housing costs and how much having a baby or multiple kids from adopting might cost. I have my ranges I’ve already estimated, but need some verification as we go through it. Realistically, I think a 5-year timeline is what I’m looking at. Now that the wife has left her job, I can live vicariously through her… hahaha. But I also have other options, like company stock and bonuses that could really accelerate everything based on how the economy does over the next few years. I think by the end of 2022 I’ll have a pretty clear vision of where I’m at. Then again, things seem to always change. =)
I’m not at that point I can start rejecting things and really shape my time at work. Once I’m a year or two out then that will be the case, but I still got some more grinding and boot licking to go.
Thanks for your insight Michelle, always appreciated. And safe travels on your next adventure! I’ll keep you in mind the next time I’m flying and remember at least someone is enjoying it… haha.
i remember feeling trapped for a time at my thankless J.O.B. i considered it penance for the financial sins of my youth and i paid those dues. then something magically happened just as our finances were really taking off. i ended up in a better role at work. it’s not so great i would do it for free but i do a little 15 minute commute to a job involving no meetings and minimal bullshit. plus, we don’t have central air at home and the a/c rocks at work and the gym is back open. much like michelle above it’s a lot easier to come to work when you don’t need the money (much). it feels like more of a choice.
i’m with you on all things regarding air travel. it’s the worst, q. with this fluid covid situation you may not be back in the office full time as soon as you think. rock on.
Actually w/ the Delta variant, I do think things will slow down again. You don’t wish all the bad that’s happening on anyone, but I’m starting to come to grips that these variants aren’t going away. This just might be a long haul thing.
Minimal BS is key. I’m still a few years away from fuck-off mode and rejecting projects, but it’ll come. The FI cushion cuts two ways – in one you’re happier and don’t care, in the second, you have even less patience than before and can’t wait to get out. I flip back and forth but try to be more of the former than the latter.
It ain’t easy though always bumping elbows with this deranged acceptable incompetence. Haha.
I’ve experienced that same feeling in the airport, but for fun travel purposes and not work. Either way, it sucks and is miserable. But I bet it’s exponentially worse when you’re traveling for work because you have the additional stress of mounting work hovering over you. Isn’t this why we work for FI and FU money?!
I’ve never been able to work from home for my job, but many of my patients have been and most prefer it. I hope it makes it way more into our job culture. Your travel experiences especially make it sound like the world could benefit from far lass business travel, although the airlines and hotels might not like it. Your upside are the mileage rewards.
I do get some mileage, but these are short flights, so I need the quantity to really pick up to get the rewards. Which, I’m kind of stuck in that in between space right now, traveling enough to get annoyed, but not enough to rack up good points. Hahaha. I’d take the no travel over the points right now though. Oh well.
Down travel time just zaps your productivity.
But I get your drift, thanks for pointing out the positive.
This is exactly why we work for FI. It would be a bleak outlook picturing another 25 years of this. Even 5 can be depressing sometimes… haha.
Sorry to hear you’ve had a crappy time of it. Hopefully you have a summer vacation or some socialising to look forward to, find your happy.
You really nailed the inflight experience as the lemmings board. I have greatly missed travelling over the last 18 months, but must confess I haven’t missed the airport experience in the slightest!
I like that, “find your happy.” Na, it’s all good. Just shooting out a little venting post. Gotta keep myself honest and share the good with the bad.
The dream is still alive. Hahaha.
Yeah, those airports are never fun places. Hope you get to travel soon even with that new big shiny job you got!
Timely as I’m headed out in my 1st flight since May tomorrow and it was a nice primer for the sundry joys of airports and plane travel in general.
So to hear about the return of the grind. Man, I remember those awful 18 days for a 1-hour flight. Hang in there, your time is neigh!
As for perspective, I usually ground myself by realizing how fortunate I am and really have no legitimate reasons to complain or mope and that usually does the trick!
Hey MF. Happy trails to you. I also think when flying for pleasure vs. business, it’s easier to shift that attitude. At least… a little bit. Haha.
And a lot to be fortunate about. Slap that attitude to gratitude.
Thanks as always for commenting bud.