“Do you want to see our backyard?”
I paused in the middle of my toiling labor and looked up to meet her beaming hazel eyes – salty sweat and earthen dirt clung to me like a pungent perfume. Sandy dust caked my boots and jeans as if I had just stepped out of the roaring gales of an Arizona Haboob.
I was a little embarrassed, and she had caught me off guard. I liked these neighbors, but we were still relatively new to each other. We hadn’t danced that awkward dance of humans yet, feeling out limits and boundaries for a stranger’s personal space like children meeting for the first time on a playground. Pirouetting back and forth, locked in that superficial Tango between the correct socio-economic status conversation starter and presumed labels of judgement, so that we each understood what ground we stood upon.
“Sure,” I said. Slowly rising from my knees in a small cloud of powdered silt and setting down the pickaxe from my hands, with all the care and concern as if it were a scalpel I had just used in a medical operation.
Some might call it overkill. But this was my craft. This was my weekend world.
Dirt, stone and loamy decomposed granite.
“Follow me,” she smiled.
And I did.
I know my wife had already shown her our yard and given the new house tour months ago. And it would be a good break from the sweltering heat. It was hot. Fucking always hot.
Plus, I was excited.
Walking into someone’s yard, is like meeting a physical piece of them – it can be a telling tale.
—
Have you ever wondered how bizarre the geo-spatial layout of our world is?
Haha. I know, captain random strikes again! But why not indulge a mad man’s folly? Tinker around in the spindling spokes and grinding gears of a misplaced imagination sailing on the slanted seas and bubbling misnomers to the very edge of away.
It can’t hurt… Can it?
No, not at all.
So, let’s return to the original question.
Take your street for example (if you’re not a city dweller then this won’t quite apply to you), do you live in an apartment, a house? How far away are your neighbors?
Maybe pretty close, right? Or in some cases, right below you or right above you. Maybe you share a single wall or multiple walls.
Do you know who these people are? The neighbors right next to you? Everyone on your street?
Isn’t it kind of a trip that we can be spending our entire lives in the corporeal vicinity of people hidden behind walls that are merely only feet away, yet we will never know them. Some, never even cross paths with… or utter a single word.
Now don’t get me wrong, if you’re an introvert you’re screaming hallelujah! But even the most anti-social person might be able to admit – what bizarre creatures we are – so obsessed with our own walled in privacy from others of our same race. Entire lives or generations, growing up on the same street, within steps or tangible walking distance yet never once engaging their fellow man.
I don’t know, but when I really think about it, it seems rather fucking weird to me…
—
Fences.
Fences are what got me thinking about this mental menagerie today.
I’ve been in my home for about six months now.
And it is home now, feels right, the walls whisper of solace and comfort, brighter days ahead, security, safety… all that mumbo jumbo that wraps us up in blankets of invisible pleasantries that allow us to sleep at night and place our heads down on pillows with the graceful subreption that all is right in the world.
Chipped paint, dry wall patch-up jobs and chewed crown molding by my Terrier Max have transformed from blemished eyesores and once both immediate and necessary fixups, to that all-encompassing homeowner’s catch phrase for every house project that remains yet undone and piling up higher than a staircase to heaven: character.
Character. What a fucking word? Your house has character. Is that stucco cracking over there? Nope, it’s just character. Fix that fence post? Oh no, that’s just good ol’ age and character.
Hahaha.
Anyway, enough sidebars, or I’ll be going on for days.
Back to the exhilarating, heart-racing, pants button popping febrile intensity of fences.
We have two great neighbors to the North and South of us. Yes, we lucked out. That was one of my biggest fears in being a first-time homebuyer. Please, don’t let any Jack-the-ripper-peeping-Tom-late-night-music-blasting-psychos live next to us.
Well, we get to check that box off for now at least.
To the North is an older couple that are probably my parents age, who love to regal us with the history of the neighborhood. Must be a bizarre thing to be in one place and watch so much change for such a long period of time. Maybe they’ve changed with the world, or maybe they’ve just watched it pass them by. Not sure, and either way, it’s not any of my business.
Regardless, I’m looking forward to hearing more of their stories when I have the time. Maybe I’ll add that to my FI list!
The couple to the South is a younger family like us, well relatively. They have two young kids and we have rarely seen them except for the friendly neighbor overlap that happens at the inopportune time of them arriving or us leaving. I don’t know about you, but that shit is like clockwork – every time I don’t have a minute to spare is when we just happen to be crossing paths.
You know how that dance goes. Nice people, but our lives are busy. Sometimes kindness needs to be greeted with a curt nod and smile rather than a frothy loquacious segue. Life must go on… even in the suburbs.
However, the other weekend when I was out working in my front yard on the landscaping (ripped up everything and it’s entirely dirt – I get a lot of questions from the passersby, and you can just see it in their eyes – what the fuck is this dude up to? But don’t you fret a tear dear reader, your boy Q has a plan and one day I’ll share some pictures of the (some distant dreamy day) desert paradise my front yard will be… Haha. Or more aptly put, Q-FI oasis extraordinaire. I usually rely on the trusty, just give me 1.5-2 years and you’ll see riposte), my neighbor happened to saunter out in a chatty mood and asked if I’d like to come see her backyard.
Without a moment’s hesitation I said yes. Yet in my mind, there was a distinct pause.
Huh, I thought. Interesting how in all this time, with us literally living merely feet away from each other, I had never set foot in their yard.
And then a funny thing happened, as I walked through her gate, I glanced up and saw my bedroom window peaking over the white fence top and stopped in my tracks.
I had never realized, standing on my neighbor’s side of the fence, how close we had been living our lives in physical proximity, but as strangers in actuality. On my side of the fence, their house had always felt so much farther away.
Or maybe that was only what I had convinced myself in my own head?
All it took, was that one glance from the other side of the partition to shift my perspective. And then the thoughts flooded in like a dam collapsing – how much of my life could they hear, did they even care, did they even wonder who we were?
Followed by that ever-thickening deluge of the metaphorical and larger questions in life. Pondering like a small inquisitive child all the fences I had constructed in my own sphere of fate and mind; the barriers we build subconsciously to protect ourselves from ourselves.
It was a fascinating exercise in trying to cerebrally walk in another person’s shoes.
I think the other interesting piece for me, was just how a slight shift in my physical vantage point, gave me that cognitive swing as well.
I’ve mentioned before on this blog, that I spend most of my time outside. I’m always in my backyard whether it’s landscaping or propagating succulents, mulching trees, gardening – I love my hands in the dirt, folding the fertile soil around my fingers as meticulous and routine as a pair of clothes. And by spending so much time outside, I know my yard like the back of my hand.
Yet, that one random trip to the neighbor’s backyard, glancing up at my trees from a new angle, the sun slanting unfamiliar shadows off the asphalt shingling, shook me a little. We get so used to our own habitual regimens and lives, that it’s difficult to pull us out of them sometimes to see our surroundings in a little different light.
Funny how the world works, all these people living on lonely streets, fenced off from their neighbors like individual aliens living on isolated planets. Close in physical proximity but eons away when it comes to knowing each other – nothing more than strangers in a strange land.
Fences.
Who would have thought.
Fucking fences.
-Q-FI
—
What fences have you built in your own life, either physical, mental or emotional?
My last house neighbors were on top of us and I had a full height fence in the back yard. I got to know the neighbors to the left and right of me slightly. honestly not so well. they were both in different phases of life.. I never met the neighbor behind me.
Our current house of 8 years my neighbors are far away in some cases. There was a small hip high fence I have taken out over the last 8 years. I know neighbors to the left and right of me well. But one of them is not far from our life situation. Not sure if it was the lack of fence or the life similarity that made the difference.
Still haven’t met the neighbor behind me in this current house. But in this case you can’t see his house from mine it’s so far away. So who knows.
It’ the lack of fence that made all the difference FTF! Look at you, literally breaking down walls with your bare fists… hahaha. I’m joking.
Probably a lot of people have that different phases of life thing going on with neighbors, which is why we keep to ourselves so often, or are so busy we don’t even think about it. That’s pretty much been my case as well. When we have neighbors close to our age or that have similar interests, we connect more.
It was just funny to me, that if all our walls were invisible, the people in our closest proximity day in and day out we probably know the least. Seems like kind of a counterintuitive way to conduct society.
Or kind of like my street I moved to. I know probably about 5 houses now – and when I say “know” it’s basically front yard chat acquaintances and I can remember their names… haha. But even though my wife and I walk the dogs every night, we’ve maybe even met or seen 5-10% of our entire street.
What an interesting world we live in. Maybe that’s why so many of us crave the FI community. Connection in a world that favors a protective private isolation.
Thanks for the comment FTF!
I think Dave at Accidental Fire recently posted a link to an article about the Amish lifestyle and how they see us as an experiment with technology. The article said that although they may adopt some technology in some forms, they will never use cars or television. The reason is that it fundamentally alters the relationship you have with your neighbors. Why talk to your neighbors if you could get whatever you need by driving to the store?
It’s not surprising that we don’t have much of a relationship with our neighbors if we aren’t dependent on them in any meaningful way. The fence is just what silently enforces this way of life.
My neighborhood is pretty progressive and actually has bicycle infrastructure, and I live 3 miles from work making a bike commute possible. But even in a neighborhood where a car is not necessary, I still barely know my neighbors.
I’m not ready to go full Amish, but looking at the world from their perspective was interesting, definitely something to think about, even if I would never actually want to live the lifestyle.
Best of luck to you and your backyard project. I would do the same, but I’m renting my house. If I could I would cancel the flood irrigation and tear up the grass and xeriscape it. We live in the fricking desert and are set to loose 20 percent of our water next year! Why waste it on grass that shouldn’t even grow here?
Hey Dominic.
I agree that with less technology, us humans would engage each other a lot more. I’ve seen it in even my short lifetime already. When we didn’t have cell phones, you actually talked to people rather than staring down at a screen. Then add in social media, and people have these peripheral online relationships that aren’t even real relationships most of the time.
That’s pretty cool how close to work you are. Seems like a neat community you live in. It’s always been one of my dreams to be walking distance from work. Oh well, guess I’ll just have to settle for FI instead… haha.
I’d never want to go full Amish as well, but they do make you think.
Thanks for the well wishes on the yard. It’s a continual work in progress… haha. But slowly and surely, I’m getting there. Sounds like you live in AZ, right?
Yeah, the Phoenix Metro area. The CAP cuts only affect agriculture, not residential use, but it should be a big warning sign to everyone in the West and Southwest. It’s a sign of things to come and the reality of our new climate. Not being alarmist, just realist.
Great article and really got me thinking. I knew my neighbors in So Cal, but very tangentially and never really engaged with them in any meaningful way aside from the usual “Hi” when we happen to see watch other. The whole concept of living in one’s own “private kingdom” despite being 30 feet (or less if you’re in an apartment situation) distanced from one’s neighbors, irrespective of being literally nested with 22 million others in So Cal speaks to the efficacy of the human mind to compartmentalize.
Even with my neighbors much father away and with good fences along our properties, this article just reminded me that I actually do need to meet those I haven’t and invest more into a more enriched relationship with them.
Thanks for swinging by Mr. Fate and I’m glad my little meandering stream of words gave you a little cognitive nudge.
This was a random one for sure, but also had me thinking there. Us American’s sure value our property lines… haha.
Even though you’re much farther away than when you were with your So Cal neighbors, the neighbor relationship is probably a lot more important up there since you’re so rural. Probably a lot more handy people as well.
good thing your neighbor didn’t offer to show you the back door! you would be dancing the lambada and not the tango. that’s the forbidden dance. i jest, of course, and couldn’t help myself. while i’m rolling why not just leave an all dirt front yard like coolio’s crib? old school.
anyhow, q, you make a cogent and disturbing case for modern life. we have an owner occupied rental on one side and all rentals on the other in a typical city arrangement of only a driveway width separating the buildings. being a sort of gregarious dog walker i’ve always enjoyed stopping to chat with neighbors if they indicate any interest. we had our little rusty fence standoff with the owner next door who doesn’t like our fence but are still friendly with her. we’ll see if we get christmas cookies again this year though. that is the litmus test of how ok we are. the rentals on the other side have one apartment whose window looks right onto the back door of our house to our garden. those people usually stay a couple of years and we make an effort to know them at least a little bit. my wife calls that apartment the intimate neighbors.
even our city place is better than my in-laws suburban place in a development. those neighbors are ALWAYS indoors. all i can think is enjoy your loneliness and isolation. fox news must be very engaging to keep you penned up in there.
This comment was a little gem today Freddy. Nice Lambada reference – you’re taking it up a notch! Hahaha.
The problem I’ve learned with all dirt yards, is the weeds. One single rainfall and those little fuckers spread like the plague. I learned that the hard way last winter/spring when we moved in.
So, I was thinking of your rusty fence when I wrote this. Anything to do with fences now I think of your good old chain link face-off. Haha. Still waiting to rip out my old rusty chain link, but lo and behold, the great supply chain fiasco has delayed everything.
I like that cookie litmus test. That shit’s clutch. I’ll see if I get anything from my new geo-spatial amigos this holiday.
Thanks for the comment Freddy!
Good post. I’ve thought about this subject often. I’m on a hand wave-friendly basis with all my neighbors and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I haven’t had more than a 5 minute conversation with any of them. There are days I wish we were cooler and hung out, like some of my friends are with their neighbors, and then there are other times when I’m very happy that we have this “barrier” between us and the world at my home.
When I took a road trip through New Mexico in 2017 I was shocked by the number of strangers that just stopped to talk to us everywhere we went. Also won’t ever forget on that trip once it started lightly raining and we were caught in it after leaving a CVS just a few blocks from our hotel in Santa Fe, at least three people stopped driving and pulled over to ask if we needed a ride. That would never happen in the Bay Area.
I have one neighbor, right next door, who called the cops on me my first week after moving in for my dog barking at squirrels. I get he probably wanted to set the tone with a new neighbor, but why not come knock on my door first? That set us off on the wrong foot and it’s been a cold wave ever since.
My street is super quiet. There’s not really any kids running around on my block like when I was growing up, even though there are families that live on the street. I feel like the more affluent a neighborhood is the less street activity is taking place–maybe a greater lack of neighborly connection? I go driving by some other rougher neighborhoods and the streets are just pouring with people hanging out with neighbors outside and kids crawling all over the place.
I think the “let’s be close with our neighbors” all depends on how cool they are – as you mention. Haha. Sometimes we just luck out.
I’ve seen the same thing as you when traveling in other countries – man these people are so much nicer than folks back home? Haha. I think too for you and I, living in major metropolises, people just tend to be colder and less friendly on average. If we lived in the countryside, probably be a little of a different story.
Bummer about the neighbor and the dogs. I agree, why the fuck call the cops, come talk to me. That was fucked up on his part. I have a similar story when I was chatting with my neighbors to the South and their other neighbor. After they moved in they had to replace their fence and asked them if they’d be willing to contribute anything. They said they’d split it with them. But when they showed them the bill, the neighbor said it was too much money and then didn’t give them anything at all. That would have pissed me off. If they would have explained, hey we don’t have the money, here’ at least $50 bucks or something. But they said, the neighbor never said anything at all and now it’s all weird between them. Seems like something a small honest conversation could have solved, but people can be really weird.
You bring up a great point that I’m almost embarrassed I didn’t talk about. The socio-economic status of a neighborhood could have a lot to do with what you say. More affluent neighborhood, maybe bigger houses, older people, less kids, etc. Or in a more impoverished neighborhood, if people have less maybe they interact more, or simply need help from their neighbors more so they’re more friendly. Who knows? But great point there Noel worth thinking about.