Do you FEEL Like You Have Enough?

Does it matter if you have enough, if you don’t feel like you do? 

I find this a complicated question to answer. 

I’ll give you the background first… 

The other day I was sitting outside at my parents’ house, enjoying a relaxing Sunday afternoon by the pool (social distancing of course) and the question of class came up.  Yes, it was a political conversation (my mom loves to talk politics), but I’m really not that into it.  However, I do like to throw her a bone here and there and get her riled up, what good son wouldn’t do that to his mother?  Hahaha. 

And the topic that seems to always come up in our conversations over the years is the middle class.  What is this middle class?  Because it seems like whoever you talk to, has a different opinion. 

But in this article, I have no intention of getting into the debate of how to define it.  I’ll be straightforward, I don’t really care, split the hairs how you want to, that’s up to you. 

However, the more interesting part to me, is what part of the middle class a person FEELS that they are a part of. 

Are you lower, middle or upper?  How great are your struggles?  Or are what you consider struggles, not even struggles to a normal person at all? 

Because as we progressed further into the conversation, I asked my Mom did she feel like she had enough money throughout her life?  Did she feel like she provided enough for our family?  And her answer to me was an emphatic: NO – both my parents always felt as if they were scraping to get by. 

And I’ll be honest, that surprised me. 

Because when I look at them on the outside, they look like the perfect example of the quintessential middle class American family – seeming to have had more than enough throughout their lives, due to hard work, dedication and sacrifice.  And from a son’s perspective, I’ve always felt that they provided for our family just fine.  They live in a modest home in a wealthy area now and they each retired at 67 and should easily be taken care of for the rest of their lives based on the assets they have accumulated.  They never really planned their retirement out, yet it all just kind of worked out that way.  They were definitely lucky they did the right things, which unfortunately isn’t the case for most. 

But it is clear, based on the numbers, my parents have enough (catastrophic long-term care aside).  Yet when I ask them how they feel, it is just as clear that they obviously don’t feel that they do have enough. 

I find this fascinating, and it made me think deeply about the following question:  Does it really matter if you have enough, if you don’t FEEL like you have enough? 

Probably not.  But is this simply dependent on the person?  I don’t know. 

Or is this more of a marketing gimmick?  You see so much advertising on TV, your smart phone, or being caught up in the public opinion of what you need to have… should have by a certain age, that it’s impossible to ignore all the desires surrounding us. 

Because whether we try to tune out the noise or not, the truth is that we are continuously and subconsciously being fed what success is supposed to look like in a capitalistic society like America. 

And if you think the FIRE community is an exception to this, you need to set down that cup of cool aid and dig a little deeper my friend. 

Because let’s be honest, there’s a lot of false pride among the FIRE community, as well as pressure to look a certain way, talk a certain way, live a certain way.  Conformity is embraced and challenging sacred beliefs is shunned.  And if you’re lucky enough to be a novice in this arena, your head is probably on a swivel from all the smoke and mirrors – the do-or-die budgeters, frugal obsessives, homestead environmentalists, wanna-be life-style design gurus, side hustle hystericals, shameless bloggers (of course myself included!), ESG investors that will save the world, book-deal egoists and podcaster irrelevants.  There is a whole lot of bullshit you gotta wade through before you get to the simple principles that can really change your life. 

Unfortunately, polarizing extremes have become the standard and are shoved down your throat rather than promoting small incremental changes to slowly and thoughtfully apply to your life. 

And I understand that.  Look, there’s images to uphold, egos to massage and most importantly, money to be made!  I get that.  The simple advice doesn’t get people to click on affiliate links.  It’s fine.  I understand brands and personas are based on being anti-mainstream and the thumbing your nose at the status quo.  You gotta make your dollar just like everyone else and promote the lifestyle, or else how else are you going to retire early or maintain that passive cashflow?  Hahaha… it’s hard to tell if I’m being a dick or really give a shit about this, right?  Because the point is it doesn’t matter one bit. 

The point is, when people take the time to finally calm down, and look themselves in the mirror, put aside the self-righteousness in the game of masks and independent rhetoric.  I think we’ll find a weight that we all can relate to pressing down on us.  The weight of sometimes I don’t feel like I have enough, even when I’m surrounded by so much. 

No one is immune to this. 

And there’s nothing wrong with that.  I think this is as natural as the blink of the eye or goosebumps on flesh.  Yet, we fight it, because we see it as weakness.  We feel it as guilt.  And sometimes it manifests as shame. 

But when we strip away the layers guarding our most inner thoughts, we find a brittle honesty more delicate and frailer than we would like to admit.  Some bury and hide it better than others under dominant personality traits, but there’s still nonetheless, a subtle current flowing under the surface that never stops, lapping swells of anxiety and unease merging as one. 

Because the numbers might tell one story, but it’s our guarded emotions that determine who we are and what we truly think.  And human nature doesn’t like fear.  We like to play pretend that uncertainty isn’t real, that we can predict the future like the gods of time we wish we were. 

But we can’t.  No matter how many times we smash the mirror-mirror-on-the-wall, we still don’t know what mortality has in store for us… and never will.  

So that brings us back to the most important question at the crux of our problem with ourselves: 

How much is enough? 

Why do so many financially independent people still make money?  Is it because they’re worried they might not have enough?  Or is it more that they don’t have any other way to value their time.  They’re still stuck in the same old game of capitalism. 

And I don’t have an answer to this.  I just find it interesting once again – why do people do what they do?  Not what they say why they’re doing it, but by looking at their actions only.  Because I’ve found you learn the most about people by watching what they do, not by listening to what they say.  That old cliché – actions speak louder than words, has never rung so true. 

Because what we have, versus what we feel we have, are two entirely separate things. 

Anyway, wow, what a fucking sideways mind fuck I just wandered down. 

I gotta wrap this up, so getting back on track, my main point is that I think I will always struggle with battling the psychology of feeling like I don’t have enough versus knowing that I have enough.  This will never go away, just as a doom’s day scenario will always be possible, no matter how small the odds. 

Is it a terrible problem to have?  No.  Not really. 

But it’s something that affects my mindset… probably, from time to time. 

And where do I fit in with the middle class?  I stopped caring about that a long time ago.  The definition lies in the eyes of the beholder, and last time I checked, there’s way too many chefs in the kitchen to allow that precious sand in the hourglass to slip through my grasp. 

-Q-FI 

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P.S.  Yep, you know what question is coming.  Have you ever struggled with feeling like you have enough?