Oh man, (long sigh) …
I can’t believe how fucking ironic this is. Or more accurately, how shameful and pathetic I feel when I learned what an idiot I had been.
What is this insurmountable stumbling block of displaced ethos that I just realized?
I didn’t take a single vacation day for over a year.
No, that is not pride reflecting back at you from your computer screen’s glare as a corporate weekend warrior or ladder climbing obsessive would promote, that is pure idiocy dripping from the letters I just typed like the stain of despair.
How fucking sad is that? Not one single day of PTO for over a year. I sat there scratching my head when I first looked it up on my computer and thought, fuck? Really Q-FI? How did this year get away from me so quickly?
And I didn’t even notice. Crazy. Fucking crazy and absolutely unacceptable. I let “the man” get me. I didn’t take my own advice. I failed.
So, let’s get into it.
One of the first posts I had written on this blog was “The Value of Your Vacation.” I had written it just after the last vacation I took, which was to Vermont and Maine for a cousin’s wedding back in September 2019.
Basically, I harp in it that you need to treat your vacation as valuable as it is and use it. Practice a work/life balance to the best of your ability with the cards you have been dealt.
Sparkling postulations like the following grace the article like the glittering idealisms that they are:
- A vacation should be a time to recharge and unplug.
- Why don’t we value our vacation like the priceless commodity that it is?
- Our minds need to disconnect.
- Are we improving as a society?
Yeah, I was sucking down some cool-aid faster than a young FIRE blogger could type digital nomad or international geo-arbitrage.
Life is complicated. Things happen. But was that really the case? Or am I just searching for some defense to vindicate my lapse of judgement?
Sure, I can dredge up a million excuses: COVID hit, race riots, CA is burning like fucking golden tears of hell dropping out of the sky and a bunch of rogue dragons hot-boxing LA – the distractions were legion. But no, that’s not good enough for me. This is a great reminder that it doesn’t take much to distract myself from the grounded resolve I believed I had.
And it’s not the end of the world, but I was surprised… surprised how time subconsciously slipped away from me during this chaotic stretch of living. And don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like I was slaving away in some four-walled prison the past year. Yeah, shit was hard just like it has been for the rest of us. Work was nuts. But the wife and I would do weekend getaways to Big Bear Lake almost once a month. Her family has a cabin up there and she doesn’t work on Fridays, so usually we take off Thursday night and then I just work from there on Friday. It’s always a good time, but can I really turn my brain off? Nope. I still have to deal with a crazy boss daily. Hahaha. Ahhhhh, bureaucratic administration…
But things could always be worse, right?
So, what was the little vaca last week that sparked this morose and somber epiphany of my travails with time?
Well, it was a nice short four-day reprieve to the Eastern Sierras. My wife’s family are big RV people, (not my style normally, I’m much more the backpacking type and leave civilization behind), but it was a great opportunity to head up north and pitch a tent at their RV site in Lone Pine.
The trip itself ended up being great. Since my foot injury still prevents me from hiking more than a mile or two, daily trips into the Sierra’s to witness rare fall colors in California (the pic on this post) such as a journey to South Lake and the Whitney Portal made me realize just how much I miss scaling mountains (only by vehicle this time) and sucking in fresh mountain air. (Plus, being able to witness real East Cost fall colors last year for the first time in my life, this trip felt like an extension of that tradition).
Our first few days were crystal clear, the alpine air crisp and sharp as a knife. But then the inevitable smoke from the Glass fire smothered our pristine views like a bag over our heads on our last day, though the sights still proved pretty spectacular even with the white haze choking the valley.
I’ve also been avid visitor to Yosemite throughout my life, but I’ve never spent any time exploring the lower Eastern Sierras before. So, this brief respite was a good taste to motivate me for some future trips here. Hiking Whitney has always been on my list, but I just haven’t been able to knock it off yet. Hopefully in the upcoming years I’ll finally be able achieve that goal.
However, even though this was only a quick vacation, it still made me question whether any trip away from our corporate wonderlands really gives us a chance to truly decompress and enjoy ourselves worry free. Is there a way to entirely block off our minds and not stress about what awaits us upon our return to servitude (obviously this depends on your job situation)?
My personal answer is no.
Unfortunately to be human is to fret. Unless you’ve figured out how to be robot, which I sure as hell haven’t. And even if you have, I would question the denial that is most likely siphoning off a hidden fragility that very few of us like to acknowledge. But I digress.
In that initial vacation post I mentioned previously, I talked about the anxiety leading up to a vacation because of all the preparation required. What I didn’t touch upon, was what about all the anxiety that happens before you come back.
I don’t know about you, but the length of my vacation seems to directly corelate to my anxiety level. For example, the longer the vacation, the more days I begin to start worrying about work again.
In this last four-day vacation, I probably only started thinking about work seriously on my last day. And I think it was this way, because in four days, I never really got to disconnect. I’m still seeing work email notifications and know that I’ll be back in the office soon. However, if I have a two week or 10-day break, maybe not until a few days in do I really start to relax. But now that I’ve had a few days to acclimate and can actually experience an emotional decompression from my job, I begin to worry about my return more days in advance.
I’m not sure if that really makes sense to anyone else, but that’s kind of the normal cycle I have experienced.
Plus, does your type of job have any effect on this?
Meaning for me, I’m basically connected to my job 24/7 through my phone and computer. That’s just the way it is. My job is not location dependent and I have to constantly make a conscious effort to ignore the flow of work information. But if you’re in a job that can only be done in an office in person, do you enjoy vacations more?
Maybe? Maybe not?
I know at least for my wife this is not the case. She is a dental assistant, so when she’s on vacation there is little connection to the office. Yet, her job has become a toxic workplace, so no matter the vacation, she is still stressed before returning to that environment.
I’d be curious if others have a different experience though. Let me know.
So, in retrospect, I’ll be sure to make a greater effort on my own part next year to better utilize and maximize that golden lifeline of PTO that we rely so heavily upon to maintain our daily sanity. No excuses. Just being better… as we forever maintain the balance.
Happy decompression everyone.
-Q-FI
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P.S. So how about your own vacations? When was the last time you took one and were you able to enjoy it? How have you managed the work/life balance throughout your career and taken advantage of PTO? Did you ever get push back from your employer?
You get a pass this year since it was such an anomalous, bizarro mess for most everyone. Just be sure to use up all that time next year and maybe a long break during the holidays.
I was just like you in that since I was always connected, I cold never mentally disconnect during vacations. That is until I realized that I had a great out by traveling internationally where my phone couldn’t connect. I’d let everyone know in advance say, I’ll be totally inaccessible so call Person X instead. Worked like a charm and that’s why nearly all my trips were out of the country. Then I also got smart and began going domestically to the backcountry (or even Little Harbor) where that was zero service. That also worked. Since people knew they couldn’t reach me they just dealt without me, thereby massively decreasing the amount of work and other BS when I returned. This, of course led to way less stress before and during my trip and I could actually decompress and enjoy myself a bit.
I do have a good long break planned for Christmas and New Years. When I saw how long it had been since the last time I took time off I made sure to get a good stretch of vaca on the calendar ASAP.
You are correct on the beauty of vacations without service. I used to be able to take advantage of that with backpacking/camping in remote areas, but because of my foot injury I’ve been limited. Whenever I eventually get back on track I’ll be slapping some of those distant places down on the agenda to finally disconnect.
I never thought much about work outside of work hours. I was always on call as the boss but the calls were not frequent. I also didn’t use up all my vacation, I had like five weeks a year, and got to travel on an expense account several weeks a year so it would have been tough to be gone another five weeks. I played tennis several nights a week after work once the kids were out of the house and my wife and I fished and hiked on weekends. After vacations I was generally excited to get back to work because I enjoyed it just as much as my hobbies, in fact I considered it a hobby. Now that I don’t do the 9 to 5 anymore I just play and volunteer more and work less. I never did do stress, just wasn’t my thing. It’s a decision, I just decided to have fun and not stress. I realize not everyone does that but it was easy for me.
Steveark, all I can really say is that you are a corporate super hero. And I don’t say that sarcastically at all. I know you loved your job, but if you can just turn stress off like flipping a light switch, that is phenomenal and I’m beyond impressed. I do not know anyone like you at all. Maybe it’s my background, fried nerves or addiction has something to do with it, but even with meditation and a ton of work on myself, stress is something I’ll battle for the rest of my life constantly. That’s just my personality I guess. So, I don’t say this lightly, but that is quite a gift to have achieved that balance.
I’m curious on all this tennis. Since your were a corporate bigwig did you play secret tennis tournaments with other CEOs? I know the hedge fund click is super competitive and they have all these invite only tennis tournaments among themselves and are constantly heckling each other. Seemed pretty interesting. Just curious if you played for fun or if there were some big bets put on these games among your cronies?
When I was a kid visiting my best friend’s family down the shore (a term we Philly locals use to reference the beach), her uncle said something along the lines of, “Two weeks is the perfect length of time for a vacation. It takes about a week to decompress and get into your vacation, then you can have another week to actually relax and enjoy it.” I had no idea what he was talking about because I was maybe 12 or 13. Now I get it. And I think about it every time I’m off for a week or two.
Unlike you, I generally get to leave my work behind. I don’t even have work email on my phone. Like Mr Fate, one of the reasons I like going abroad so much is that they can’t contact me, but they’ve called me while I’ve been on staycation. Usually I don’t mind, but even so.
When I was in corporate America, I always dreaded returning to a bajillion emails, usually about nothing, and sifting through all the relevant details. It would take at least a full morning just to cover that task. So I remember how overwhelming that sense of returning to work can be. Since you still have a number of working years ahead of you, I hope you find a way to really disconnect while away and forget about work. We all need it. But I’m glad you at least got a bit of a break, and I hope you plan to use some more of your time. If you don’t use it, can you roll it over? Or is it now gone? If possible, I hope you take a nice chunk of time off, even if it’s a staycation.
Hey Katie and thanks for chiming in. Like I mentioned to Mr. Fate above, I have a good two-week stretch planned in December. So I’ll be good. And yes, I’m lucky that my vacation rolls over – that’s one good thing about CA is you have a lot of protection agains use it or lose it policies. I think if it didn’t roll over then I would have been more on top of it – but hindsight’s always 20/20, right?
But honestly, I was surprised. Usually I’m better than that, but it was a nice little wake up call to make sure I’m taking care of myself.
Any vacations next year are really going to depend on our fostering situation if we’ll be able to travel or not. I’d love to see my brother who moved to Virginia recently, but we’ll just have to play it by ear to see what unfolds for us in 2021. But as you mention, staycations will always be an option. So we’ll see…
I never failed to take my PTO during working days. For the last eight years plus now it has all been vacay. Ah the FIRE life@!
That’s commendable raptor. Yeah… I’m still shooting for the stars of vaca-land to come. Glad to see you’re enjoying your new time thief. =)
i always use my paid time off. i quit trying to get promoted at my hourly job (but skilled) job 5-6 years ago and never give work any serious thought when i’m not there. i learned to enjoy being a peon and now don’t really have to compete with a group for the best weeks off and get 5+ after 15 years here.
we took 2 weeks in august and hung out in a cabin in the mountains so i get the appeal of that for you. then we went to vermont to a friend’s cabin for a few days. my issue/problem with vacation is being lazy. like you i used to “need” vacation to decompress and rest from shift work but the past few years work has been half like a vacation. that’s the sweet spot and i won’t retire from this while it’s so easy.
Sometimes being lazy is great on vacation! – and that’s all we need. Haha.
Sounds like you got your situation dialed in for maximum happiness Freddy. You’ve learned what works and that’s great you’re in spot that work doesn’t really bother you anymore.
Mountains and nature seem to be the best relaxation formula for me personally. It’s always fun to travel international and such, but sometimes those trips can be stressful in their own way. I find the older I get, the more I crave simplicity and leaving civilization behind.
When I was working, I always took my vacation. The problem I had was the expectation of being available for important meetings and daily tasks. This became more true as a people manager. There was always something I needed to log in and do quick.
To combat this, I started taking trips off the grid, like our hike on the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu. Sorry company, no cell service and I am not lugging my laptop along.
Hey TPM and thanks for dropping by. Yeah, a lot of my stuff is similar to yours, always this one thing that people think only you can handle. And I’m fine helping out on vacation no problem if there are emergencies and tight deadlines. I get that. But it seems most people don’t comprehend what a “real” emergency is – 99% of stuff can wait a week or two.
You are spot on with your suggestion and that’s really the only thing that I’ve found that works. If you can give the heads up you’re off the grid, not much big brother can do but leave you alone.
Thanks for chiming in.