Ah, the apocalypse.
It has taken some time to arrive, but I’m convinced it is finally here in Los Angeles.
First COVID-19 shuts down the world in a blur of panic, mayhem, epic job losses, and deaths rising like a high tide on the shores of sanity. Next, the riots/looting/protests about our country’s pervasive inequities put the whole city on lockdown for a week. Then the fires rolled in on the curtails of the latest heat wave like Dante’s Inferno and all of California lit up brighter than the Olympic torch on steroids. The past two weeks the smoke has kept everyone indoors. As I glance out my window at an orange sun through a dystopian red haze, you can’t help but feel you’re more residing on a different planet stuck in some sci-fi Hollywood blockbuster. And then the real kicker. All of us Californians joked – all that we need now is an Earthquake and the demise will be complete. And yep, last week we had the luxury and privilege of checking off that box. A 4.5 magnitude earthquake hit with the epicenter only 10 miles from my house. That’s not huge, but it was a shaker and definitely reminded us Angelinos that it has been quite a while since we’ve had a big one.
The stage is set my friends, and I’m just waiting for the four horsemen of the apocalypse to show up at my doorstep any day now.
So, why do I bring all these things up? Because, all these things cause people to worry, stress and fear. But more importantly, 3 of the 4 catastrophes I mentioned force people to be indoors and isolated from their relationships.
I was reading something the other day about the pandemic that made me think – because that’s all I do is think – I can never turn off my brain no matter how hard I try. What it was saying was that since people are being forced to isolate, they are spending a lot of time alone inside their head. There’s no relief, there’s no distractions, people are forced to face their thoughts in a new way that they never have before. And the result, is that people are struggling.
They don’t like it.
And can we really blame them? What happens when you take an action-fast-paced society designed to keep you busy and distracted 24/7, but then slow things down on a dime and remove those said distractions all at once? You get a lot of people stuck alone with themselves that aren’t used to it.
And that made me realize, because of my addiction history, I’m actually much more well-suited for this pandemic than the average Joe. There is no such thing as escape for me any longer and with my sobriety I never get a day off. Because I’ve had to learn to be alone with my own thoughts, I’ve had to learn how to quiet the noise between my ears without reaching for a crutch. True freedom is gone and this is the new norm. So, suck it up and find a way to survive. At least, that’s how it was for me. It wasn’t easy and it sure as fuck wasn’t fun, but at least it gave me a chance…
“It never gets easier, but it will get better.”
That’s probably my favorite saying in the rooms and one that I’ve found personally to be absolutely true. And just as you can apply it to addiction, I think you can apply it to the pandemic’s isolation as well. Times are hard right now. The transition is wearing on all of us. But things will get better. Don’t get me wrong, they’ll be different, but they’ll get better.
It took me a few years before I really understood the power of this statement. I had to tread some dark waters before I finally found a solid land mass to cling to. For some people they hit the “pink cloud” when they first get sober/clean – all the stars have aligned, they’ve siphoned the poison from their body and they’re walking on sunshine as if the heavens are winking down at them. But for me it was the opposite. Things only got worse before they got better for a long time. I struggled to find that balance that would allow me to function again. My body had not responded well to recovery and my memory is forever broken. That’s probably one of the worst feelings of all, knowing that I self-inflicted this physical and mental damage. I was unemployed, depressed and the anxiety so crippling it was hard to look people in the eye. I tried all different kinds and doses of medication before I finally found what began to work.
No, it never got easier. But slowly the momentum started, micro wins snow-balled into a semblance of a life worth living, and gradually things got better. I learned to sit alone with myself and began to embrace the solitude, enjoy the solitude… cherish it. I’m comfortable in my own skin again and wiser for the wear. I’ve reached the top of one mountain and now my sights are set on the next.
And really, all this self-help and practice, was only a prelude for the pandemic to come.
Isolation doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You can embrace it and claim it as your own.
Now, if you’re the super charged extrovert-people person type. Well, you’re probably fucked. Hahahaha. Joking – but only with a whimsical smile. We all know that type, they get all of their energy and self-worth by surrounding themselves with other people, they feed off the comradery. Which is great. But if you aren’t comfortable being alone, you’re probably the type of person that has been struggling the most.
But like I said above, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s a chance for growth and a rare opportunity to examine why it is you struggle so much with being alone. What is it that you have been distracting yourself from? Slow down and take the time to face your fears.
It’s funny how our personalities change with time.
I think I used to be an extroverted introvert when I was younger – if that catch-22 makes any sense. But the more I’ve aged the less I like being in crowds and seek out solitude as a choice. My younger self probably would have considered the me of today as a loser – someone who spends time mostly at home, gardening, reading and tinkering at the millions of hobbies I have on my forever growing list to accomplish. Unfortunately, the more I’m around people the more I tend to be disappointed. And this is probably my problem with expectations, but I’m pretty sure at some point my future will hold a more rural setting and a less dense city than the current sprawling metropolis I inhabit. More outdoors and water – definitely water. I need a river, lake or ocean close by…
But those are thoughts for another day.
I hope everyone is doing their best to hang in there and at some point, we’ll make it out on the other side of all of this – laughing, clinking glasses and slapping backs as if it were all a dream.
And remember…
It never gets easier, but it will get better.
-Q-FI
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Well, how about you? Can you sit alone with yourself and be content?
I’ve never had to sober up, but supporting a loved one through the process has been a huge part of my life, so I’m familiar in a sense with the process. You should be unbelievably proud of yourself for your extraordinary accomplishment. And I agree that it was great training in dealing with this quiet time of life.
I’m someone who was too used to being alone for too long, so it was nothing short of a miracle that I found the right person to go through this time if life with. Otherwise, I fear that isolation would’ve been unbearable for me, even as an introvert with tons of interests and years of practice with solitude. At a certain point, I can’t have any more isolation. But I agree this forced quiet time probably served some people in a good way because they needed to reflect and learn to sit with quiet.
Like you, I see myself less and less in the city, though not necessarily in a rural area. Near water is an absolute must!
Nice piece. Enjoy the peace and quiet!
Thanks for stopping by Miss Katie!
That’s an interesting take you have – someone that has been alone too much. I was kind of thinking someone who is used to being alone would thrive, but you have a good point that for someone who doesn’t want more of it, that can be quite the detriment.
I’m glad you’ve found the right person to compliment your journey – timing is everything.
One of my sayings is, “It’s not that I don’t like people, I just prefer it when they’re not around” which gives one a hint at my general disposition. However, like you stated, I’m an extroverted introvert, but my life choice to effectively self-isolate here on 20 acres in the WA countryside kind of coincided with the onset of the pandemic, so there really hasn’t been any noticeable difference. That said, when I was in So Cal recently with most of my time indoors at friends places, it felt way, way more claustrophobic – the heat and burned-out air didn’t help either.
I think this would be an exceedingly tough time for an extrovert in an urban environment. That said, you raise a great point which this can be a time to reflect inward and get more in tune with our inner selves and thereby more comfortable in our own skin. Certainly a worthy pursuit for all.
Hahaha… I do love that quote. Yeah – I’ve seen from some of your comments that your recent trip to LA wasn’t that fun. With the smoke and pandemic probably not the best timing.
I’m pretty much following your path. Endure CA, and then isolate somewhere out in the wilderness… hahaha. I just have to convince the wife.