Being Happy for Others While Working Through Disappointment – Part I

Being Happy for Others While Working Through Disappointment – Part I: 

This was getting too long so I have to break it up into two parts.  I didn’t really want to do it this way, but that’s how it will have to be. 

So kick back, put those feet up on the table, grab a cold one if you dare, and enjoy… 

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I touch upon a lot of personal issues in this blog, but most of it really isn’t that difficult to write about.  The addiction stuff just has a way of flowing out of me.  And I think it’s easier to deal with, because it’s my pain.  I own it. 

But when we have to watch others struggle as well, or with us along our side, the tables have turned. 

It’s no secret on this blog that my wife and I desire a child.  We’re both 38, healthy, nothing wrong with us and have been trying to have a baby for the past 5 years with no success.  We’ve also been down the road of spending out-of-pocket money on IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) – three times failed – and contemplating IVF (In Vitro Fertilization).  Though after much consideration we decided against pursuing IVF for ourselves at this time. 

So with all these struggles, does it make it hard to watch other couples seem to conceive at will with no problems or complications at all? 

Yes, it is extremely hard to watch. 

But do not confuse this with jealousy or envy.  It is a pain within you that makes you question the “why” deep inside yourself.  This is not an outward projection, it’s a dagger of introspection. 

Let me first tell you about my most painful heartbreak…

With all of the crazy shit I have ever done in my life and survived, you would think some of my most painful memories come from the addiction side, and they do.  Yet, nothing compares to the memory I’m about to share. 

My wife and I were on our second round of IUI treatment in mid-2018.  The first had failed. 

We went through the whole process again and were waiting expectantly, our feelings a roller coaster of highs and lows, tip-toeing through life on pins and needles. 

Then the answer came, she was bleeding, not a good sign, so it looked like our second round of IUI had failed as well.  But when she took the pregnancy test, she came back to me and said that she had tested positive. 

We were pregnant.  What did this mean? 

I was skeptical from the start and told her to call the doctor, it didn’t look good with the bleeding and was probably a false positive.  The doctor confirmed this on the phone but told us to come in for a blood test just to be sure.  There was probably a 95% chance that we weren’t pregnant. 

The news was beyond depressing.  I went outside to try and tinker in the garden to distract my disparaging thoughts.  When I finally came back in the house, I froze in the doorway. 

My wife was sitting on the living room floor, and she hadn’t heard me come in.  She was meticulously laying out an infant Kings jersey – because I’m a diehard LA Kings fan – and a baby calendar blanket to take pictures. 

I watched her in silence as she neatly arranged everything to her liking.  Time seemed to stand still.  I don’t know how long I stayed there.  I didn’t want to say anything.  But eventually I did. 

Softly I asked from behind her, fearing what her answer was going to be, “Babe, what are you doing?” 

She glanced up at me and I wanted to cry.  Her eyes were full of hope and dancing with possibility.   

“I’m taking pictures for our baby.  We’re pregnant.” 

A million things rushed through my mind – should I correct her, anger, resentment, grief. 

But here she was, staring reality in the face with utter denial, and not going to let anyone tell her otherwise.  In this single instance she was pregnant.  She wanted this so bad that nothing was going to take it away from her.  And the most devastating part, was… that there was nothing I could do to help her. 

And in that single moment I have never felt more pain in my life.  It was as if someone had ripped out my heart and squeezed all of the life out of it.  There was nothing left. 

Because there was nothing I could do.  I’m watching the one woman in the entire world I would do anything for… get anything for… Yet, for once in my life I was helpless.  And there is nothing worse than the feeling of utter and true vulnerability. 

I realized that the single greatest dream in her life, to be a mother, I can’t give her. 

And the full impact of that is something that I rarely have ever experienced in my life. 

Before, there had always been a way.  You either work harder or search relentlessly until you find that evasive answer.  But there was an answer.  There was always an answer.  You just had to find it. 

Until that day… 

I think I just nodded and then left the room. 

To make a long story short, later the tests confirmed what we had feared.  It was a miscarriage.  Which makes the total irony of the situation even greater. 

Because she had been right.  I was wrong.  However briefly, she had been pregnant at that time.  And she seized what moment had been given her. 

This was a hard learning experience for me, one of those slap-you-in-the face kind of moments that we never forget.  But it taught me a vital lesson.  No matter how much you do care, there are some things that you can’t help with.  There are some things outside of your reach that you have to let people experience and work through on their own. 

Even if that may be your spouse. 

You can’t drink the tears for another, and some problems you can’t solve. 

However, even though we can experience such disappointment, we can still move on. 

We can still be happy for others even though we are dying inside.  It’s not easy.  It’s not fun.  But it’s part of life.  Our pain doesn’t have to be theirs. 

And what we do get a choice in, is how we persevere.  Will you face this battle?  Will you fight along my side?  Because, we can do this… together. 

To be continued…  

-Q-FI 

P. S. What has been your greatest disappointment in life so far?  What did you do to persevere?