Are you a nerd?
So, this one might take the crown for king randomness, but I’m going to roll with it. Nothing is off limits, right? Maybe you can relate, maybe not, but I try to have some fun here and I’m already cracking myself up. Hahaha. Who needs people when you can entertain yourself? (whimsical smile)
Alright, here’s the question:
How were you in social circles growing up? I’m curious, were you on the outside looking in, or on the inside looking out? Were you an outcast, nerd, leader, follower or popular? Did you struggle to fit in or were you a natural chameleon?
Basically, it all comes down to, were you cool? Hahaha.
Let me try to make some sort of semblance at structure in this post so that you can see where I’m coming from.
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The other night I was doing something on my computer, and I said to myself under my breath – with probably 110% unassailable conviction, “Yeah, I’m cool.” And you know how it is when you’re busy doing something and some words slip out on the tip of your tongue while your mind is occupied with other pressing matters.
But then all of a sudden, my wife perks up on the couch, shifts her lazy gaze from Instagram videos over to me and says, “You’re not cool.”
My eyes dart up, like an arrow to a bullseye and I look back over at her not really aware I had spoken out loud in the first place, and then realized what I had said and her response. I tilted my head and fired back with a burgeoning confidence bubbling to the surface like water to boil, “I’m fucking cool! I’ve always been cool. How could you even say that?”
“You’re a nerd.” She tossed the words back to me, dismissively, and with no more thought as if they were a piece of trash going in the garbage can. They meant nothing to her. But they meant everything to me.
The room went silent. The buzz of the freeway drifted through the open window. I could hear the breathing of our sleeping dogs on the chair.
“A nerd?” I finally questioned out loud, as if trying to impale the silence on a medieval stake. “How can I be a nerd? I was popular in high school. I’ve always been an athlete. Charming. Good looking… a drummer and in college I always had a ton of friends-”
“-But you don’t now.” Her words were sharp as a knife point – cold, calculated, deadly – like a hidden assassin lurking underneath the pillows on our couch. They cut me off, abrupt as a guillotine.
I had to pause, feeling like I had just been assaulted by troops on a battlefront. This is my pride we’re talking about. My manly and fragile ego. How dare she say that!
I drummed up the words from my inner confidence like a Rockstar on stage and spit them in her face. “How could you possibly say I’m not cool… now?” I asked as if her statement was the most preposterous idea in the world. She might as well have been telling me the Earth was flat or the Sun wouldn’t rise tomorrow.
“Well,” she said in a vey calm and logical tone, “you read fantasy novels.”
I thought for a second and then acquiesced to her point. “Alright, that’s one I’ll give you. But that’s not much.”
She kept watching me, her hazel eyes level and certain, a predator about to go in for the kill. “You write a blog… about finance of all things, that’s pretty nerdy. You garden… want me to go on?”
I stared at her in silence for a moment, shocked, desperately wanting to offer a rebuttal. My mind spinning like marbles on a playground. But the more I thought about it, she had me. I had no answer.
And then it hit me like driving a truck into a brick wall. Aghast, appalled and amazed all in one breath. She was right. “Fuck! Holy Shit! I have become a nerd. Noooooooooo!”
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Ahhhhh… conversations with our spouses… significant others… or partners. Don’t they always just flush the best out in us? Hahahaha. I do say this lovingly. She got me good. And I hate when that happens. I’m competitive by nature, then throw my wife in the mix, and now the stakes become life or death.
Alright, enough digression and back to the topic at hand.
Now don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with being a nerd. In fact, nerdiness can be sorta cool if done right. Or maybe even sexy if that’s what you’re attracted to. But nonetheless, this is new territory for me. I have never been a nerd before in my life. I’ve always been coming from the side of acceptance and mainstream ignorance, been ushered through that sparkling one-way golden door reserved for the gifted and good looking. I had naively always taken it for granted.
Doesn’t everyone get to walk this red carpet of attraction and desire?
Sure, I hated authority, got into a lot of trouble and found myself indulging in copious amounts of mind-altering substances. I was smart and intelligent, a straight A student. But I avoided honors classes like the plague. I had shit to do during high school, people to see, places to be! And of course, more importantly, I had an image to maintain! But I never once considered myself an outcast. I never felt like I didn’t belong. In fact, I had always been a chameleon, back to as young as I can remember. Some of us just have a knack for it.
And I started thinking what happens when you’re cool… what happens when you’re accepted? What are the perks?
And the more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that nothing has really changed from childhood to adulthood. Corporate Americal is still the same old politics and social cliques that existed while I was growing up. Only the words have changed… names… hidden inside little children masquerading as adults.
Popularity all boils down to access. You have access to people and places now. That is what acceptance buys you. That is how the “cool” factor can open doors.
But what about the flipside? Can acceptance close doors as well? What if I’m not nerdy enough to belong to the personal finance community? What happens if I feel like an imposter?
I think one of the interesting parts of the FI community that I enjoy the most is the age diversity – a remarkable range of generations that might not be as accessible in other online societies. You have people “retiring” from late 20s all the way to their 80s. Some people have kids, some don’t have kids, or other early retirees are so young that they basically are still in the cradle and qualify as kids. It’s a wide spectrum full of all walks of life and what this diversity gives you, are varying degrees of perception of what it’s like coming of age in the world. Based on our age and location, we all grew up under different circumstances.
So, where this is taking me, is that I’m curious about you the reader. Do you feel comfortable sharing how old you are? Or what is your age/decade/range? What was it like growing up for you? How did acceptance, coolness, nerdiness or any other aspect play into your metamorphosis from child to adult?
I ask simply because I would like to know. If… that is, you are willing to share.
And I do realize that not everyone had a safe, stable or pleasant upbringing – we all have our own demons and challenges we must face. So if you did have a troubling childhood, bullying or abuse; I don’t mean to bring up bad memories or be trite. There’s carnage and other monsters lurking in my own dark corners that I’m glossing over while trying to keep this one light and playful.
Hopefully you can roll with it in good spirits.
So, let’s have at it. Did you always fit in?
Or are you a nerd?
-Q-FI
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I think the question above speaks for itself. Let me know below what shaped your youth and how the story unfolds… Or what generation do you associate with and do you think you had it harder or easier growing up than either those before or after you?
I wasn’t a nerd… but I was definitely far from cool. 😉
Hahaha… maybe you were cooler than you thought. Thanks for chiming in David.
Interesting topic here. I’m 37, and I’ve sort of wove my way through both sides of the cool and uncool crowd through my life. What might be cool and badass for one person, could be some pretty nerdy stuff for another, so I think this subjective, but…in high school, I tried to fit in with the cool crowd. While I was in this cool crowd and accepted, looking back I was just a follower. This cool crowd was also a trouble crowd and I was lucky to escape with just a few scrapes and bruises. A lot of my friends ruined their lives by being “cool” back then. Joining the Navy helped me escape from this cool crowd. I’ve always been a nerdy fan of Tolkien and Sci-fi (nerd stuff) even while hanging out with the cool kids haha.
Nowadays I’m cool at work, but not outside of work, but I’m fine with that. Work pays the bills. I’m out by 9pm every night. I follow all the rules. I’m not as social as I was in the past–even before the covid distancing thing–and the number of friends I kick it with has vastly been reduced. Now that I’ve stopped drinking, I realize I’m more introverted than I believed myself to be. While I’m a leader at work, it took me some time and real confidence in my ability to start taking charge. At times I still feel like an imposter because I don’t have a degree, and the majority of my peers do. This took a while for me to get comfortable with, especially when conversations go to “college day” talk. I guess in this regard I’m an outsider, and this chip on my shoulder motivates me to work harder at being an expert in my field.
But anyway, yeah, my wife thinks I’m a nerd now too…but at this age, I think being a nerd is cool.
All good shit Noel. Yeah, you’re entirely right it is purely subjective. I was being a little flip with my tale but you flush out all the different nuances acceptance/coolness/popularity can take.
I’m pretty similar to you in that sobriety has led me to be a lot more introverted and many friends have fallen aside over the years. I think that tends to be natural with an age progression and starting families. We all have to practice a little vanity within our own private worlds, right? Ha.
I love how you finish and I agree… to be a nerd now is fucking cool!!! Hahahaha.
Great one. I certainly wasn’t cool as a kid. I like to believe I became cool once I embraced music and became a part of the LA punk/deathrock scene during HS and more so once I started playing in bands, particularly big ones later on and putting out records. Of course, one could argue that being a part of a misfit subculture and a lifelong rocker is not cool at all – to each their own. While I don’t think I’m cool at all now, I think staring at 50 and starting a f-ing post-punk band is a very cool thing to do.
That said, I am, and have always also been, a nerd. I play lots board games, I still play D&D on Zoom every week, I had Star Wars wallpaper as a kid, I go to Comic Con, I read 200 books a year, I have a blog, belong to a Nerds & Novels meetup group and love cats. I’m a huge GD Dork.
I don’t actually see coolness and nerdism being mutually exclusive. In fact, quite the opposite, but than again I’m a bit biased 🤘
Hey, nothing cooler than being a real life rock star Mr. Fate! But it’s interesting to see how different people process this subject in their own minds. And like Noel, you’re spot on that it doesn’t have to be mutually exclusive at all.
Hopefully I’ll be following in your footsteps and starting/playing in many bands post FI… it doesn’t get cooler than that in my opinion!
Interesting question to ask and interesting story to share! I was somewhere in between.
I was well liked, but I couldn’t have cared less what others thought of me. Though I was originally “in” with the popular girls, the more time I spent with them, the less I wanted anything to do with them. We had little to nothing in common, and I was way more interested in a life away from them. I did what wanted, wore what I wanted, spoke to or avoided who I wanted, and was generally kind to everyone, though a few people didn’t deserve my kindness and therefore didn’t receive it.
I think I’ve always been equal parts cool and nerdy. I could party with the best of them, but I was still a nerdy bookworm who required alone time. And I still am.
It seems like kids today skip that awkward phase, but I wasn’t fortunate enough to skip it. Unlike kids today, I didn’t have tremendous self-esteem, but I had high hopes and dreams and enough self worth. Those years were hard, but not just in school. School was often the easier part of my life, but I’m glad it’s all over. The present is very, very good. 🙂
Yeah, this was a random one, fo sho… I like your use of the word “interesting” twice in the first sentence. Hahahaha… but hey, sometimes you gotta sprinkle in a little misdirection and keep people on their toes.
So the Camel was popular, could party with the best of them, and was a closet nerd? “Interesting” – see what I did there? Hahahaha… I’m in a fucking weird mood.
But I relate to you, being a chameleon I dabbled in many circles and hated the superficiality of the majority of cliques. I was never on the outside, but school was very hard for me as well – rehab in my teens was a dark time. But we all survived and are stronger for the wear.
I love how you end: “The present is very, very good.” That made me smile tonight, so thank you.
Hello! I’m not cool and have never wanted to be. I’m 39 years old but in my head I think I’ve always been two distinct ages: there’s the part of me that is about 55 and loves gardening, birdwatching, and long country walks and the part that is about 8 and loves stories, magic and make believe. Does that make me a geek? (British for nerd!)
I was wondering whether you were going to suggest that you need to be a bit geeky to follow FI what with all the spreadsheets involved and the fact that we have certainly not chosen to follow the crowd by pursuing the FI dream.
Hey Charlotte. I like that – geek: British for nerd. My sister lived in London for 5 years, so I’m a little more acquainted with the culture than most Americans.
And no right or wrong answers here. I was just curious how people view themselves – kind of like my story how I still had a perception of myself when my behaviors had changed. The psychology side of the narratives and stories people tell about themselves to themselves fascinates me.
I’m all for magic and make believe and there’s no requirement to be geeky to follow FI. It’s for anyone and everyone.
Thanks for sharing.
this one made me laugh, especially when your loving wife burned you. i’m 52 and grew up in a small rural town/school. you could be a little of everything beyond the typical cliques like in the breakfast club. i was small-ish until college age but rarely bullied and maybe that was because of some confidence. also, like what katie said, i have never much cared what people think and believe my friend groups have always been inclusive. i’m talking about the real kind of inclusive where you are welcome so long as you’re not an a-hole towards other people.
i’m definitely not a nerd now, even with the blog.
Yeah she burned me. You’ll find this even more funny. She doesn’t know what I write about beforehand and reads the posts like a normal reader when I send out. So she reads this one yesterday and says to me that she barely remembers that conversation and why was I so sensitive about it. Hahaha. I tell her I just thought it was a funny conversation so I wrote about it.
I value the “real” kind of inclusive as well. Just be chill and down to earth and all are welcome. Image is for all the social media kiddos out there now.
But would your life agree you aren’t a nerd? Hahaha. Thanks for chiming in Freddy.