A Crisis of Identity

Trying times test us all. 

I’ve been meaning to write a post about my past layoff for a while now, and for some reason it just never materialized.  But with all the recent shit going down, and plenty of people losing their jobs, and plenty more people about to lose their jobs in the weeks ahead (who knows, could be me too), I figure what better time than now?  Plus, with my wife being furloughed as of 3 weeks ago, this issue has hit close to home once again. 

Because having a crisis of identity is easier than you might think.  People don’t realize how quickly they can fall.  How quickly everything can be taken away. 

And let me be clear.  This is not a woe is me article.  I’m doing fine, while other people are really suffering.  I know that.  But whenever something happens and you lose a 1/3 of your cashflow… it still really fucking sucks. 

So, a post like this couldn’t be more relevant, right?… or could it? 

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Have you ever been laid off from a job before? 

If you have, then you understand.  If you haven’t, then in today’s age and market (referring to employment in the 21st century, not COVID-19) it is probably only a matter of time. 

The world has changed and the baby boomer era of working for only one company the rest of your life is dead.  Not dead like this is some zombie apocalypse movie in which the deceased can rise, but dead in the sense as how the dinosaurs went extinct.  Fatal… final… permanent.  It was a fleeting moment in history never to be resuscitated.  Technology has literally rewritten the rules on how business is conducted.  If you haven’t experienced this, or you think I’m full of shit, then don’t look behind you, because the winds of change will be tapping you on the shoulder (or more likely blowing you over in a tornado of Skynet’s terminators.  Ha!). 

Losing my job wasn’t just a change… it was a paradigm shift.  It turned my whole world upside down and forever transformed who I am today. 

I thought I was a grounded person.  I thought that my work didn’t define me.  I had hobbies, interests and passions.  I knew who I was.  I had a clear identity outside of my professional accomplishments.  There was no way a job loss could really affect me. 

But holy shit was I wrong.  I was not prepared for how much subconsciously I relied on who my professional self was for my identity.  And if it can happen to me, I’m pretty sure it can happen to you. 

Beware… 

So what the fuck actually happened? 

Well, I was blindsided like a semi-truck hitting me before my foot could even leave the curb.  But it was all my fault.  I should have seen it coming.  Yep, I had become complacent and lulled to sleep by that sleeping devil – entitlement. 

My layoff happened June 1, 2016.  I had started with my big corporate company in February 2006, when I was 24 years old.  I spent 10 years with this company… 10 years of the same habits, people, structure and culture.  I had endured the great recession and countless layoffs since.  They had helped pay for my MBA and I was promised my boss’s sparkling vice president position only in a few more years.  Life was done, wrap a bow on it and call it a day. 

And then my card was called. 

The details are irrelevant really.  But in a nutshell, a new VP of HR came into our region, wanted to make a name for himself, and like Young MC busted a move.  He devised and implemented that hip and scary corporate word “reorganization.”  It was nothing personal, nothing more than my luck had finally run out.  But I didn’t see it that way.  I took it personal.  Because this wasn’t about numbers and lifestyle for me, this was an attack on my identity.  This was my precious ego we were talking about.  And after all of the cuts and management changes I had survived over the years… who the fuck were they to tell me my time was up? 

Because at the end of the day it comes down to one thing: everybody always wants to end things on their own terms.  Nobody ever wants to be told, you are not needed… you are not being kept… you are not good enough. 

But that’s how it goes.  When you’re knee-deep in it you lose that all too valuable perspective.  You’re still too attached, emotional and involved.  Yet it’s understandable, because you haven’t matriculated through the grieving process yet.  The wounds are still too fresh.  You need time to decompress and move on. 

Now, I made some big mistakes with my layoff (which will be detailed in another post someday) because I was too emotional.  I didn’t fight it or negotiate like I should have.  I was so in shock that I just wanted to part ways as soon as possible, so I signed my deal and that was that.  Ten years down the tube like nothing had happened. 

And I know what you are going to say here, but Q-FI, you’re a fucking drug addict and went to rehab right after this, so wasn’t that a big part of it?  Weren’t you already slipping towards that self-induced demise?  No, and I say that honestly after several years of reflection.  My overall quality of work had not slipped yet.  Yes, internally I was a mess, on lots of drugs and drinking around the clock, but this had not affected my outward performance.  You can roll your eyes all you want and not believe me, that’s fine.  But I had a real skill for keeping shit together and over-delivering on deadlines when it came to my professional life. 

Yet I’m not delusional, I was slipping and have no doubt I could not have kept this charade up long term.  I think in another year, shit would have been so bad that I’d have found myself in rehab or been fired.  And when I was laid off, it gave me no reason to hold things together anymore and everything just fast-tracked from that point on. 

But, more importantly, here’s the real question:  what does this mean for you?  Aha!  Yes, I haven’t forgotten about you my curious readers… 

Now, some of you will be glib and snotty.  Arrogance will run supreme as you gloat and look down at me from your unassailable perch of job invincibility and glowing delusion of self-importance.  But you don’t know what’s coming… you have no idea how attached you are to your current professional identity until the umbilical cord is cut. 

And I feel for you… I really do.  Because your good ol’ buddy Q-FI here knows how devasting a layoff can be and wants to help you through your time of loss, not if, but when it happens across your long and prosperous career.  So if you take nothing from this article, rest assured that you can always come back here and play the game I am about to show you.  Because it will reveal to you, beyond a doubt, how prepared you are to face a layoff. 

Our game is called, “Do you know who you are?”  (Usually it’s played in rehab with recovering addicts that are trying to rebuild their lives, but it also applies to the job loss situation just as well.) 

At each level of the game, you reflect and ask yourself: do you know who you are? 

So let’s play… 

Do you know who you are? 

First we start easy.  I lob you a couple softies…  Let’s take away some of your favorite possessions.  How tied to these material objects are you?  Process how that feels? 

Do you know who you are? 

Next, the game gets a little harder.  We take away that fancy car that you love to drive to work.  No more status symbol.  What about your beautiful house in that perfect neighborhood… that’s gone too.  How do you feel without these items to project your self-worth to others? 

Do you know who you are? 

Now things start to get tough.  I take away your job, I take away your living, I take away your entire career that you’ve spent so many years building.  How will you react?  How will you define yourself?  What will you tell strangers when you introduce yourself at a party? 

Do you know who you are? 

Let’s take away your health, your sports, your activities, your mobility. 

Do you know who you are? 

Then we get to the hardest part for most, we take away all your relationships.  No more wife or kids, no more family, no more friends.  Anyone who has ever mattered to you is gone?  You are alone in this world.  Do you have a self-identity when there is no one left who remembers you to reflect back your image of yourself? 

Do you know who you are? 

Finally, we take away everything.  You’re sitting all alone in the desert surrounded by nothing in a place you don’t recognize.  Your entire reality has been stripped away. 

Do you know who you are? 

If the answer is “yes.”  If you can accomplish that.  If you still know who you are at the end, then you have beaten the game, you have transcended… and you are a better man than I. 

-Q-FI 

P.S.  It’s fun to play this game and see what level you get to when things really start to matter.  So how about you?  How do you stack up?  Ever play this game before?  Ever struggle with a layoff?  Do you know who you are?